Venture Capital Archives - Cryptobro Magazine

A chaotic room filled with frantic venture capitalists frantically pouring over financial reports as screens behind them display a sea of failed Web3 projects, while others are shown pitching their doomed startups to investors in the background.

VCs Go Absolutely Insane as They Blow Through Billions on Doomed Web3 Projects

VCs are throwing money at Web3 startups like there's no tomorrow... or a functioning economy.

Doug Martinez November 2, 2024

A illustration of a giant dollar bill being pulled away from a crypto-themed cityscape, as investors turn their attention to safer alternatives like bitcoin ETFs in the background. A faint image of a 'dry powder' balloon can be seen rising above the chaos, symbolizing access to funding for later-stage companies.

VC Firms Are Ditching Crypto Startups Faster Than You Can Say ‘Regulatory Headache

VC firms are having a meltdown, crypto bros - your days of getting rich quick off early-stage startups might be numbered! According to Galaxy Research's latest […]

Doug Martinez October 21, 2024

A illustration depicts a hellfire-filled landscape with flames engulfing Web3 startup logos and broken blockchain pieces scattered around. A giant hammer-wielding figure, resembling a crypto bro, stands at the center, surrounded by shattered screens displaying failed DeFi projects and GameFi games in ruins.

Crypto News

Crypto Bro Heaven: Billionaire VCs Unleash Hellfire on Web3 Projects, Because Who Needs Sanity Anyway?

Venture capital firms Gate Ventures and Boon Ventures are throwing their weight behind a new Web3 startup fund - but don't expect them to be giving […]

Doug Martinez October 14, 2024

An illustration of Johnny Ng Kit-chong standing in front of a cityscape with skyscrapers representing Hong Kong's financial district; he is holding a briefcase labeled "DAO Regulation" while looking upwards at a giant web-like structure above him, symbolizing Web3. In his hand, there are also several puzzle pieces that fit together to form the shape of a globe, indicating global connections and regulation. The cityscape behind him has various symbols representing different countries around the world;

Crypto News

Hong Kong Lawmaker Discovers Existence of Web3, Demands Adults Be Put in Charge Immediately

The blockchain bubble is bursting already? How delightful! It seems like those naive crypto bros are finally getting a taste of reality. A Hong Kong lawmaker […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

An illustration of a group of people standing at an entrance of a club wearing party hats but looking sad or disappointed with their faces downcast while others are walking away from them in opposite direction. The background is darkened, only lit by faint neon lights indicating that it's late night/early morning hours and the atmosphere feels gloomy despite being near a nightclub setting. One person at the entrance holds an invitation card but looks uninterested as well.

Crypto News

Failed Crypto Execs Form New Club Because No One Wants to Talk to Them Anymore

Well isn't this just peachy! A bunch of former execs from a failed cryptocurrency project are trying to salvage their reputations with some desperate attempts at […]

Linda Williams August 22, 2024

Crypto News

State Street Thinks You’ll Fall for Its Tokenized Assets Scam So Hard It Just Rolled Out a Whole New Division

Here we go again with another attempt by traditional finance to get in on the crypto gravy train. State Street is trying its hand at "digital […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

Bitcoin

Wyoming Blockchain Symposium VC Panel Reveals Secret Formula for Picking Guaranteed Winners in Cryptocurrency

Well isn't this just a bunch of rich guys talking about how great crypto is? I mean who doesn't love hearing from venture capitalists about their […]

Sam Rogers August 22, 2024

Bitcoin

Hash Ribbons Are Basically Screaming GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN

Well isn't this just peachy. The crypto bros are still trying to convince us that their precious Bitcoin is going up and all we need to […]

Barry Thompson August 20, 2024

An illustration of a never-ending staircase with each step representing an ETF, leading up to a sign that reads "Solana" and has been partially torn away from its base; in the background, a cityscape is visible through broken windows. A figure at the top of the stairs looks down upon it all while holding onto a rope tied around their waist as they slide back towards the bottom step. The staircase's railings are made up of tiny dollar signs and coins that seem to be falling off into an abyss below, with some stuck in the cracks between steps.

Crypto News

VanEcks Never Ending Quest to Make You Lose Money in a Solana ETF Continues Unabated

Just when you thought it was safe to get back into cryptocurrency, VanEck comes along and reminds us all that Solana is still a thing. Because […]

Doug Martinez August 20, 2024

An illustration of a clock with its hands frozen at 11:59 PM and an email icon stuck between 'sent' and 'delivered', surrounded by gears, wires and circuit boards in a dark blue background, while lightning bolts illuminate the scene from above. A chip is shown being inserted into a motherboard as sparks fly out. In the foreground, there are scattered fragments of broken chains with padlocks on them. The overall atmosphere conveys urgency, anticipation and freedom.

Featured

Fabric the Crypto Chip Startup Raises 33 Million Dollars So You Can Finally Decrypt Your Grandma’s Emails on Time

The crypto bros are at it again - this time with some new chip that's supposed to magically speed up cryptographic workloads and improve data privacy. […]

Doug Martinez August 20, 2024

Crypto News

The Web3 Firm So Bad Google Had to Give It Money

The latest Web3 nonsense from Google's Cloud Startup Program: because what we really need is another overhyped AI firm that promises moonshot returns but delivers nothing […]

Doug Martinez August 20, 2024

An illustration: A judge sits at a desk with papers scattered around them; they hold up their hand to halt the flow of money pouring from one side of the room (labelled 'Employer') towards another (labelled 'Employee'); in the background, coins and banknotes are replaced by cryptocurrency symbols floating upwards. The scene is set against a cityscape at sunset with skyscrapers representing Dubai's skyline; people walk through streets below as they go about their daily business while looking up to see what’s happening above them.

Altcoins

Dubai Court Suddenly Realizes Crypto Isn’t Actually Made of Unicorn Tears and Decides It Can Be Used for Normal Things Like Paying People

It's about time Dubai caught up with the rest of us who think cryptocurrency is a scam! Who needs to be paid in crypto when it’s […]

Doug Martinez August 20, 2024

An illustration of a VC investor standing at an intersection with several roads leading off into the distance, some marked "Layer 2", others labelled as "Decentralized Social" and "Physical Infrastructure Networks". The investor looks out over the horizon uncertainly while in the background various blockchain logos are scattered across multiple chains

Altcoins

VCs Discover ‘Revolutionary’ New Way to Waste Billions on Layer 2 Solutions That Will Probably Just Get Hacked Anyway

The cryptocurrency industry's favorite game: "Let's pretend we're not all just speculating on a bunch of worthless tokens!" This time around, it seems like VC firms […]

Doug Martinez August 19, 2024

An illustration of a cartoon piggy bank with its mouth wide open as it's being blown away by strong winds while holding onto several balloons labeled 'Bitcoin', 'ETF' and '$188 million'. The background is filled with falling coins. In the distance, an image of Morgan Stanley can be seen in flames surrounded by smoke. A faint outline of a calendar shows June 30th highlighted. At the bottom left corner, there's a small piggy bank lying on its side spilling out money while crying tears made from dollar signs.

Altcoins

Morgan Stanley Blows Entire 401k Fund on Bitcoin Trust Because Who Needs Retirement Anyway

The gullible idiots are at it again! Morgan Stanley has apparently decided that throwing a few hundred million dollars into BlackRock's Bitcoin Trust is a good […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

Crypto News

Robinhood Rakes It in as Clueless Cryptocurrency Enthusiasts Send Money Down the Drain Like There’s No Tomorrow

Oh boy, here we go again! Another day, another bunch of numbers on a computer being touted as "revenue" by some overpriced brokerage firm. Robinhood is […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a stampede scene with 500K cash notes running wildly in all directions as various animals from different coins run alongside them; some are chasing others while others seem to be trying to escape. In the background, Vitalik Buterin is shown standing calmly amidst chaos holding an animal coin collection box and smiling at what's happening before him. The scene has a comic book feel with exaggerated expressions on all characters involved in the stampede.

Crypto News

Buterin Unleashes Frenzied 500K Cash Stampede on Charity With Bizarre Animal Coin Collection

Cryptocurrency's latest trend is animal-themed coins for charity - who would've thought? Vitalik Buterin, Ethereum co-founder, decided that instead of letting these tokens just collect dust […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration: A fantasy landscape with five glowing mushrooms sprouting from a misty forest floor; each mushroom is surrounded by swirling clouds and stars in different colors. In the background, an ethereal castle rises into the sky as if made of pure light. The scene glows softly under starlight. Five wispy dragons soar above the treetops, their paths intersecting with shooting stars that streak across the night sky. A crescent moon casts a gentle glow on the landscape below. In the distance, an eerie mist swirls around ancient ruins overgrown by vines and moss.

Crypto News

CBOE to Officially Launch 5 New Ethereal Fantasy Landscapes This Tuesday Because You Clearly Need More Ways to Lose Your Shirt

The crypto bros are at it again! They're so excited about their precious new Ether ETFs being listed on Cboe and BZX Exchange. Whoop-de-doo! As if […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of an Arabian camel standing at the edge of a cliff overlooking a valley below with several buildings in various stages of construction. The camel is looking down into the distance while its front legs are spread wide as if it's about to jump or fall off the cliff. In the background, there are clouds and sun rays shining through them but also some dark stormy weather looming on the horizon. At the bottom of the valley below, several buildings appear in various stages of construction with a few already completed while others seem abandoned or partially destroyed.

Crypto News

Saudi Arabia’s Desperate Attempt to Cash in on Web3 Before It All Comes Crashing Down Again

Saudi Arabia is trying to become a hub for web3 startups because they're desperate - who wouldn't want in on this multi-trillion dollar Ponzi scheme? The […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration: A miner wearing a black hoodie with a red "R" emblem holding a large sack full of dirty laundry while running away from an approaching Russian police officer carrying a briefcase labeled 'Regulation' and another one chasing him with a megaphone. In the background, there's a cityscape at sunset with Bitcoin symbols scattered around buildings. The miner is surrounded by coins and money laundering signs are visible on his sack. He has a guilty look on his face while running away from the law enforcement officers who seem to be closing in on him.

Crypto News

Russian Crypto Miners Caught Red-Handed Laundering Their Dirty Laundry

Russian crypto miners are finally getting their act together - or at least trying to. A new bill regulating the industry has been approved by the […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of a giant roulette wheel spinning out of control on top of Moscow Exchange building with money flying everywhere and people running away from it while St Petersburg Exchange building stands nearby looking calm, as if ready to handle the chaos. The scene is set at night under bright moonlight with stars shining in the sky above. In the foreground, there are scattered banknotes and coins amidst broken glass and debris. A faint image of a cryptocurrency symbol can be seen on one of the flying money pieces.

Crypto News

Russia About to Let You Lose All Your Money in One Convenient Location

Russia wants you all to know it's serious about blockchain now! I mean who wouldn't want their country associated with endless speculation and potential losses, right? […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a Canadian politician with their arms open wide embracing two large bears representing Kraken and Coinbase as they are giving each other bro hugs, while behind them is an image of a rising sun symbolizing the growth of digital assets adoption in Canada amidst regulatory developments. The scene takes place on Parliament Hill overlooking Ottawa River.

Bitcoin

Crypto Lobbyists Unleash Fury of a Thousand Bro Hugs on Politicians Who Clearly Don’t Care About Your Bitcoins

The crypto bros are at it again! They think that by lobbying Canadian politicians they can somehow make cryptocurrency mainstream. Newsflash: nobody cares about your precious […]

Barry Thompson August 15, 2024

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