Risk Management Archives - Cryptobro Magazine

UK Pension Funds Suddenly Find Themselves in Hot Water With Shockingly Bad Investment Decision

UK Pension Scheme Embraces Bitcoin: Because What Could Possibly Go Wrong?.

Sam Rogers November 14, 2024

A futuristic cityscape with a massive spaceship rising from the center, surrounded by cryptocurrency trading screens and DeFi-related interfaces. A person in a spacesuit is seen standing on top of the ship, holding a leveraged farming tool while another figure in the background is shown as a farmer using Primex's app to boost yield.

You Won’t Believe the Insane DeFi Scheme That Will Ruin Your Life (And Possibly Launch You Into Space)

Primex Finance: The Crypto Bro's Best Friend? I mean, who needs actual value when you can just leveraged farm some ETH on a platform that promises […]

Doug Martinez November 14, 2024

A illustration depicting a planet being overwhelmed by an influx of tiny, chaotic miners (representing the 2.2 EH/s computing power) spilling out from a facility in Pennsylvania, with two large figures looming in the background - one representing Bitfarms and another possibly symbolizing Riot Platforms' concerns.

Crypto News

Bitfarms Unleashes 2.2 Eh/S of Pure Madness on an Already Suffocating Planet!

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Bitfarms is splashing into another hosting agreement with a new set of miners […]

Doug Martinez September 16, 2024

A cartoon soccer star with a shocked expression holds his head in one hand and points at a plummeting graph on an X-shaped pedestal behind him. A giant coin is shown crashing into the ground below.

Crypto News

Mbappé’s Hacked Account Spreads Crypto Scam Like the Gift That Keeps on Giving… Millions Lost (Again)

The never-ending saga of crypto scams continues! It's like a bad penny that just keeps turning up - or in this case, a hacked celebrity account […]

Linda Williams August 30, 2024

A comic illustration of Mark Zuckerberg standing at a whiteboard, surrounded by failed prototypes of VR headsets, with a red 'X' marked through them. In front of him is an empty shelf where the next-generation headset was supposed to be displayed. A few feet away, Apple's Vision Pro sits on another shelf, looking sleek and successful.

Crypto News

Bombshell! Meta’s Next-Gen Headset Axed in Bizarre Twist of Fate, Leaving Millions to Wonder if They’ve Been Scammed Into Buying Overpriced Glasses for Their Face!

Meta's Metaverse Mishap: A Cautionary Tale of Overhyping VR.

Doug Martinez August 25, 2024

A cartoonish illustration depicting a plane landing at an airport with French flags waving in the background. A suited figure (Pavel Durov) is being led away from the aircraft by two authorities while his luggage and belongings are scattered around him, symbolizing chaos and disruption. In the foreground, a cryptocurrency coin ($TON) lies broken on the ground amidst shattered glass and debris.

Crypto News

BREAKING NEWS! You Won’t Believe What Just Happened to the Guy Who Promised Us Endless Freedom on the Internet

Telegram's Durov Arrested: Because Nothing Says 'Freedom' Like Being Locked Up in a French Jail Cell.

Doug Martinez August 25, 2024

An illustration of Johnny Ng Kit-chong standing in front of a cityscape with skyscrapers representing Hong Kong's financial district; he is holding a briefcase labeled "DAO Regulation" while looking upwards at a giant web-like structure above him, symbolizing Web3. In his hand, there are also several puzzle pieces that fit together to form the shape of a globe, indicating global connections and regulation. The cityscape behind him has various symbols representing different countries around the world;

Crypto News

Hong Kong Lawmaker Discovers Existence of Web3, Demands Adults Be Put in Charge Immediately

The blockchain bubble is bursting already? How delightful! It seems like those naive crypto bros are finally getting a taste of reality. A Hong Kong lawmaker […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

Crypto News

Nvidia’s Crypto Conundrum: A Billion-Dollar Slip-Up That Will Send Lawyers Scrambling for Their Wallets and Leave the Industry in Ruins

Nvidia's woes are not just about GPUs anymore - it seems like they're now fighting off frivolous lawsuits from crypto investors who think they were misled […]

Linda Williams August 22, 2024

An illustration of a clock with its hands stuck at 11:59 PM on July 31st next to an image of a calendar page torn off from August 1st showing only one date "Aug 29" in bold red letters while the rest is blank, and below them two programmers sitting back-to-back looking frustrated. The programmer facing away has their hands covering his face with both palms as if hiding something behind him. In front of this character there's a trash can overflowing with code papers labeled 'bugs' and broken machinery parts scattered around it.

Crypto News

Cryptocurrency Project Delayed Because They Finally Realized Their Code Is Trash and Now Everyone Has to Wait Even Longer

And there you have it folks: another cryptocurrency project (Ocean Protocol) delayed because they can't even get their act together! The Ocean Nodes Incentive Program was […]

Linda Williams August 22, 2024

An illustration of a person sitting at a desk with two computers in front of them: one displaying charts from 2017-2022 on perpetual futures trading platforms (e.g., Binance Futures) while another displays institutional market data. The trader is looking back-and-forth between the screens, wearing headphones and holding a coffee cup as they appear to be reflecting on their experiences. In the background there are scattered papers with notes from past trades, charts of different cryptocurrencies, and books about trading strategies. A ramen noodle bowl sits empty in front of them.

Crypto News

I Made Millions Trading Bitcoin but Then I Discovered My True Calling: Being Poor and Eating Ramen Noodles for Every Meal, It’s a Real Thing

The crypto bros really have no idea what they're doing when it comes to trading do they? First off, let me just say that being an […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

An illustration of a grandmother's garage with an old computer on a table next to a sign that says "Crypto Operation" while being surrounded by police tape; there are also some cryptocurrency symbols scattered around the floor in front of it; outside is written "$100 Licensing Fee". The background shows Hong Kong cityscape. In the foreground, two officers from the SFC stand with their arms crossed looking at each other and shaking their heads as they look back at the garage operation. A small dog runs out of the garage while a cat looks down from an upstairs window;

Crypto News

Hong Kong Shuts Down Your Grandma’s Garage Crypto Operation Because She Refused to Pay the $100 Licensing Fee

The eternal struggle between regulators trying to bring some semblance of order to the Wild West that is cryptocurrency trading continues! It's like they say: you […]

Linda Williams August 22, 2024

An illustration of an endless spiral vortex with various cryptocurrencies trapped inside it at different levels. The currencies are depicted as colorful balls that have lost their shape and size due to being stuck for so long. Some of them appear broken or fragmented while others seem intact but frozen in time, unable to escape the gravitational pull of the vortex. In the center of the spiral is a large void where one can see fragments of tokens with negative price impact scattered around it.

Crypto News

Hacked Cryptocurrencies Forever Stuck in Vortex of Eternal Pricelessness

The crypto bros are at it again! They can't even secure their own little toys. It's like they expect us all to just sit back and […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

Crypto News

The Web3 Firm So Bad Google Had to Give It Money

The latest Web3 nonsense from Google's Cloud Startup Program: because what we really need is another overhyped AI firm that promises moonshot returns but delivers nothing […]

Doug Martinez August 20, 2024

An illustration: A judge sits at a desk with papers scattered around them; they hold up their hand to halt the flow of money pouring from one side of the room (labelled 'Employer') towards another (labelled 'Employee'); in the background, coins and banknotes are replaced by cryptocurrency symbols floating upwards. The scene is set against a cityscape at sunset with skyscrapers representing Dubai's skyline; people walk through streets below as they go about their daily business while looking up to see what’s happening above them.

Altcoins

Dubai Court Suddenly Realizes Crypto Isn’t Actually Made of Unicorn Tears and Decides It Can Be Used for Normal Things Like Paying People

It's about time Dubai caught up with the rest of us who think cryptocurrency is a scam! Who needs to be paid in crypto when it’s […]

Doug Martinez August 20, 2024

Altcoins

Bitcoin’s Range-Bound Price Action Is Clearly the Result of an All-Powerful Alt-Emperor Ruling Over a Kingdom of Uncoordinated Cryptocurrencies

The cryptocurrency market is still in shambles after its recent collapse. Bitcoin (BTC) has been stuck in a range-bound price action for weeks, and altcoins like […]

Sam Rogers August 20, 2024

An illustration of a rollercoaster track rising sharply upwards with cryptocurrency symbols (Bitcoin, Ethereum) embedded in the tracks as they twist and turn; at the top, a giant bubble forms around them, bursting into flames that engulf surrounding mountains shaped like dollar signs and interest rate charts; below, memecoins are depicted as tiny dogs chasing each other through fields of green dollars

Altcoins

Get Ready for Another Insane Crypto Bubble Because Apparently Low Interest Rates Will Make Everyone Suddenly Care About Decentralized Finance Again

The eternal optimism of crypto bros never ceases to amuse me! Lower interest rates could be the key to DeFi summer? Please, it's just a recipe […]

Doug Martinez August 19, 2024

An illustration of a sinking ship with moneybags floating away from it in all directions, while investors stand at the bow looking worried; nearby, a giant whale is swimming upwards out of the water, leaving behind a trail of coins that are being swept up by smaller fish representing market makers and analysts. In the background, a cityscape fades into darkness as interest rates rise on TradingView charts hovering above the scene like ghostly apparitions

Crypto News

Ether Price Plummeting Due to Totally Not a Coincidence That Massive $420 Million Was Suddenly Withdrawn From It by Investors Who Clearly Had Nothing Better to Do With Their Money

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Linda Williams August 19, 2024

An illustration of a man standing on one side with his feet firmly planted in two different worlds. One world is filled with gold coins, precious jewels, and shining stars while the other is darkened with broken currency notes scattered all around him. He looks down at both sides before taking a step forward into the brighter world where he's surrounded by happy people holding hands together under an arch of rising suns. In his hand, he holds up three shiny coins - one gold, one silver and one bitcoin symbol.

Bitcoin

Robert Kiyosaki Still Has No Idea What He’s Doing With His Money

Another day another delusional rich person spewing their nonsense about cryptocurrency! Robert Kiyosaki is one of those guys who thinks he's a financial guru just because […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of an exhausted runner crossing a finish line with a massive weight on their back and surrounded by coins spilling out from under them as they stumble forward; the background is dark grey. The runner's arms are raised but limp at the same time while their legs drag along in exhaustion, weighed down by the heavy burden. In front of the runner lies an overflowing pile of gold coins with a few scattered on the ground around it and some floating away into the distance as if swept up by wind;

Bitcoin

Marathon Digital Buys 25K Bitcoins for a Whopping -$1m

Here we go again! Another crypto bro trying to get rich quick with their precious Bitcoin. This time it's Marathon Digital buying $249 million worth of […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration of a stern-looking banker standing on top of an unstable seesaw with one end representing stablecoins and the other national currency. The banker is holding onto both ends tightly while looking down at two people trying to balance each other out below, as they are surrounded by dollar signs floating in mid-air. In the background, there's a faint image of Elvira Nabiullina standing on top of a mountain with her arms stretched wide open and a determined look on her face.

Crypto News

Regulation of Stablecoins Imminent: Experts Warned That Bankers Will Finally Figure Out How Not to Lose Everyone’s Money

Bank of Russia is finally getting its act together and realizing that stablecoins are nothing but a recipe for disaster. It's about time they started taking […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a large hammer with multiple faces on its head each representing different risks (operational, technological, market trading) smashing into a pile of coins labeled as stablecoins while in the background there is an image of traditional banking regulations being blown away by strong winds. The scene depicts chaos and destruction but also hints at renewal through the use of broken pieces forming new shapes resembling building blocks for better regulation.

Crypto News

Stablecoin Broke: Crypto Bros Unleash New Regulatory Sledgehammer on Themselves

The crypto bros are at it again! This time they're coming up with some new framework called TCAF (Token Capital Adequacy Framework) because their precious stablecoins […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

Risk Management

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