Retail Investors Archives - Page 2 of 5

An illustration of a whale with an empty wallet and avocado toast on its plate being taken away from under its nose while another whale in the background holds onto a large stack of money bags looking satisfied. The scene takes place underwater near some Solana coins floating around, one coin has been caught by a fish that is swimming away holding it tight. In the distance there are several whales selling tokens on Coinbase and Binance exchanges with big red "Sold" signs above them while another whale buys Ethereum at OKX exchange with a green "Bought" sign over its head.

Solanas Whale Just Dumped $84 Million, Still Can’t Afford Avocado Toast on Coinbase

Oh boy, another day and more whales are dumping their Solana on us! You know what they say: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"... but […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a financial advisor standing in front of a large, ominous-looking door labeled "Crypto Assets" while holding onto a rope tied around their waist; they look worried as if being pulled towards the door by an unseen force with other advisors visible through the doorway looking equally concerned and some falling off into darkness. In the background is a cityscape at sunset with buildings crumbling in ruin amidst clouds of smoke, flames, or debris. The advisor's hands are grasping for something to hold onto but their grip keeps slipping as they're being pulled towards the door;

Altcoins

Bitcoin Etfs: The Sec-Approved Recipe For Financial Ruin That Your Advisor Is Too Afraid To Tell You About

Oh boy, it looks like someone finally gets it! John Reed Stark knows a thing or two about the SEC (he used to run their internet […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration: A large company building with many windows stands tall amidst a cityscape at sunset. The sky above it turns dark as clouds gather but inside the office lights shine bright. In contrast to its grandeur outside, an empty conference room lies within where only one person sits behind a long table surrounded by vacant chairs and papers scattered about. A lone figure in a suit walks down a hallway with no other people around while others stand at windows looking out into space as if lost in thought.

Hack

Tether Holdings Ltd About To Hire 100 More Overworked Bureaucrats And Number Crunchers Because Who Needs Actual Profits?

The stablecoin issuer Tether Holdings Ltd., because it's not like they've been accused enough times already - plans to increase its workforce by 100 employees to […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Ripple Wins Huge Victory Over Sec But Still Faces Crushing Reality Of Having To Pay A Fine That’s Only Marginally Less Embarrassing Than Losing

Ripple's chief legal officer Stuart Alderoty has been spouting off about how great their win was against the SEC. Newsflash: a $125 million fine is not […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a person standing at the edge of an iceberg with their eyes closed while holding onto a rope tied around their waist; below them is water filled with sinking coins and broken chains representing lost investments and financial instability, in contrast to calm waters above where seagulls fly freely. The sky behind has dark clouds gathering amidst scattered sun rays symbolizing warning signs ignored by the person who remains oblivious to the dangers ahead.

Hack

Crypto Conundrum Ensues As Distinguished Academic Finally Figures Out What We Told You In 2017

Oh boy, look who's finally joining the party! Eswar Prasad is now warning about cryptocurrency risks? It’s like a broken record – everyone knows crypto is […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Bitcoin Funding Rates Hit New Yearly Lows Because All the Cool Kids Are Trading Dogecoin Now

Well well well, looks like the Bitcoin party is over folks! Funding rates on Binance just reached their lowest point of the year, signaling that everyone's […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of an old-fashioned alarm clock ringing with its hands pointing at midnight on July 17th and August 14th respectively; a rising graph behind the clock showing institutional adoption growing while retail investors remain steady below; in the background Bitcoin's price is shown dropping from above $60k to under it. The scene fades into darkness as an old-fashioned key turns, unlocking a door with 'ETF inflows' written on it but remains locked. A faint light shines through the crack of the door showing money flowing out instead of in.

Bitcoin

Bitcoin Mania: Institutions Finally Figure Out What Everyone Knew in 2014

The institutional adoption of spot Bitcoin exchange-traded funds (ETFs) is up again! Whoop-de-doo. Institutional investors are still only holding a paltry 18.7% of total ETF assets […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration featuring a rocket blasting off into space amidst rising flames, surrounded by swirling clouds of cryptocurrency symbols (e.g., Bitcoin, Ethereum) as they merge and blend together. The background is a vibrant blue with subtle hints of green to convey growth and prosperity. In the foreground, smaller rockets are seen ascending in unison, symbolizing increasing adoption and competition within the DeFi derivatives market. A few scattered stars can be observed above, representing new innovations emerging from this space.

Crypto News

DeFi Market Soars to New Heights as Experts Warn You That This Time It Won’t Totally Collapse and We’ll Probably Get Rich Off of It if We Just Invest Now

The crypto bros are at it again! This time they're trying to convince us all about how DeFi is back from the dead (or was it […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of Kamala Harris standing in front of an American flag with chains and locks wrapped around it; she is surrounded by three broken bank vaults, each labeled 'Silicon Valley Bank', 'Silvergate' and 'Signature'; a large hammer lies at her feet next to a pile of rubble. In the background, two figures are seen walking away from the scene carrying briefcases marked with economic policy documents. The overall atmosphere is dark and ominous. A faint image of an X post can be seen on one side of the illustration.

Bitcoin

Kamala Harris Announces Plan to Destroy Your Life and Ruin the Entire Economy With Her Crushing Crypto Crackdown

I'm not surprised that Kamala Harris is doubling down on Biden's anti-crypto policies - it just goes to show what a bunch of out-of-touch, crypto-hating elitists […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a man (David Solomon) standing on one side of a seesaw with the other end occupied by a large pile of money bags labeled 'Goldman Sachs' while he is holding onto a small rock representing Bitcoin, struggling to keep it from falling off as his weight causes the see-saw to tip in favor of the gold coins. The man's face shows concern and determination but also slight desperation.

Bitcoin

Goldman Sachs CEO Still Hasn’t Figured Out Bitcoin Is a Joke That Will Eventually Stop Being Funny

The eternal optimism of the clueless! David Solomon still thinks Bitcoin might be around for a while longer before it inevitably crashes to zero (or at […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration of Avraham “Avi” Eisenberg standing at a shooting gallery with various targets labeled as commodities fraud, manipulation, wire fraud, judgment of acquittal, new trial, Commodities Exchange Act (CEA), swaps or mixed swaps under the CEA and interstate wires. He is holding an empty rifle pointing towards these targets while wearing a determined expression on his face. In the background there are several broken glass bottles with labels that read "fundamental errors", "legal flaws" and "evidentiary issues".

Crypto News

Mango Marksman Seeks Get Out of Jail Free Card

The eternal saga of crypto bros trying to wriggle out of their messes continues! Avraham Eisenberg thinks he can just waltz away from his conviction on […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

Crypto News

Ripple CEO Sobs Uncontrollably in Corner After Latest Court Ruling Declares Him the Biggest Loser

Another day, another "win" for the crypto bros! They're always celebrating some minor victory as if it's a championship title in their never-ending quest to prove […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

An illustration of an anxious-looking investor frantically buying ethereum coins as they pour into his wallet from above while he's standing at the edge of a cliff with a cityscape below him representing market volatility and uncertainty; behind him is a large digital screen displaying rapidly increasing prices. In contrast to this, in the background there are investors holding short positions who look worriedly watching their assets dwindle as they're being swept away by an incoming wave symbolizing the reversal of fortunes.

Bitcoin

Digital Asset Fund Inflows Suddenly Soar as Panicked Investors Flock to the One Coin That Won’t Tank for Another 6 Months, Because Why Not at This Point

The great crypto correction - where gullible idiots finally realize their precious altcoins aren't worth squat! It's about time these get-rich-quick schemes started to tank. Ethereum […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration of a party scene with balloons popping one by one as guests leave; some people holding briefcases or bags running away from falling confetti while others look worried amidst descending prices on screens and stock charts displayed around the room. A large cake in the center is shown crumbling apart, revealing an empty space where candles once stood. The atmosphere is chaotic, with a few remaining partygoers looking dejected as they gaze at their phones or watch TV displaying news headlines about market crashes.

Crypto News

Bitcoin’s Year-End Surprise Party Will Be a Crash Course in Reality

You know what's coming next - another bunch of brainless investors throwing their money at yet another speculative opportunity because they think it'll make them rich […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration of Goldman Sachs' headquarters with money bags overflowing from its windows onto the streets below where people are dancing and celebrating amidst confetti while Morgan Stanley's building stands nearby with empty pockets. A hedge fund manager is shown standing on top of it looking worried as a bitcoin symbol rises into the sky above them all, surrounded by rising arrows indicating growth. In the background, a cityscape at sunset glows warmly. The scene conveys excitement and optimism about investments in cryptocurrency despite volatility.

Bitcoin

Goldman Sachs Discloses $418 Million Bitcoin ETF Holdings Because Someone Finally Figured Out That Throwing Money at a Bubble Is Still Fun

The crypto bros are at it again! They're so excited about their precious Bitcoin that they can't even see what's right in front of them – […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a rocket ship blasting off into space with flames and smoke behind it; in front of the rocket is an arrow pointing upwards through a series of rising lines representing increasing prices. To one side are two falling arrows amidst broken chains suggesting losses or failures while on the other side, there's a growing mountain range symbolizing growth but also warning signs like exclamation marks above them indicating caution and uncertainty. The background has swirling clouds with lightning bolts hinting at turmoil in financial markets.

Bitcoin

Bitcoin Mania Ignites as Experts Warn You Will Probably Still Lose All Your Money

You know what's hilarious? People still trying to make money off this joke called cryptocurrency after all these years! Jamie Coutts thinks he’s some kind of […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

Altcoins

$60k Bitcoin Finally Here So Now We Can All Pretend ETH SUI TAO and NOT Will Magically Become Good Investments Again

The cryptocurrency market is still reeling from its recent downturn, with many altcoins struggling to regain their footing. However, there are some signs of hope on […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a stampede scene with 500K cash notes running wildly in all directions as various animals from different coins run alongside them; some are chasing others while others seem to be trying to escape. In the background, Vitalik Buterin is shown standing calmly amidst chaos holding an animal coin collection box and smiling at what's happening before him. The scene has a comic book feel with exaggerated expressions on all characters involved in the stampede.

Crypto News

Buterin Unleashes Frenzied 500K Cash Stampede on Charity With Bizarre Animal Coin Collection

Cryptocurrency's latest trend is animal-themed coins for charity - who would've thought? Vitalik Buterin, Ethereum co-founder, decided that instead of letting these tokens just collect dust […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Bitcoin Trust: Because You Clearly Haven’t Lost Enough Money Yet

Well well well. Look who's trying to make it big on Wall Street - Grayscale Bitcoin Mini Trust! Because what we really need is another way […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration of a blockchain network being bombarded from all sides by chaotic elements such as tornados, lightning bolts, and waves crashing against it. The chaos is depicted as trying to break through the security measures represented by shields and barriers surrounding the blocks in the chain. In contrast, one part of the blockchain remains calm with peaceful clouds floating above its secure sections indicating a safe haven from the turmoil outside.

Hack

Haun Ventures Throws Money at Chaos Labs Because Clearly Throwing Cash Solves All Problems and Blockchain Security Is Just Around the Corner of Being Actually Secure

Here we go again - another bunch of crypto bros trying to make a buck off their "blockchain security" nonsense. Chaos Labs has somehow managed to […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

An illustration depicting an inflated balloon with confetti and streamers, floating upwards amidst colorful clouds; at its base is a money bag overflowing with cash while nearby are scattered various cryptocurrencies' logos on the ground. The background features subtle waves resembling those of water or stock market fluctuations. In the distance, there's a faint outline of a cityscape under construction, symbolizing growth and development. A few coins can be seen falling from above into the money bag below as if they're being collected by it;

Hack

Pump.fun: Because Apparently Someone Still Has $28 Million Burning a Hole in Their Wallet

Oh boy, here we go again with another overhyped memecoin nonsense! Pump.fun is making waves because it's reached some arbitrary record for monthly agreement income? Who […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

Retail Investors

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