Defi Archives - Page 2 of 2 - Cryptobro Magazine

Synthetix Resorts to Desperate Measures: Because What’s a Few More Worthless Tokens Among Friends?

One would think that the crypto bros have finally realized their shiny new toys don't actually bring them any value beyond what they paid for it. […]

Doug Martinez August 25, 2024

An illustration of a person sitting at a desk with two computers in front of them: one displaying charts from 2017-2022 on perpetual futures trading platforms (e.g., Binance Futures) while another displays institutional market data. The trader is looking back-and-forth between the screens, wearing headphones and holding a coffee cup as they appear to be reflecting on their experiences. In the background there are scattered papers with notes from past trades, charts of different cryptocurrencies, and books about trading strategies. A ramen noodle bowl sits empty in front of them.

Crypto News

I Made Millions Trading Bitcoin but Then I Discovered My True Calling: Being Poor and Eating Ramen Noodles for Every Meal, It’s a Real Thing

The crypto bros really have no idea what they're doing when it comes to trading do they? First off, let me just say that being an […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

An illustration: a cartoon figure is shown with its head in the sand. The figure has 17 tombstones behind it labeled 'Crypto Disasters'. In front of the figure are two large, ominous-looking eyes staring at them. One eye holds an egg timer and the other one displays a countdown clock ticking down to zero. A small token flies into view from off-screen with a red "X" marked through it as if rejected by the figure in the sand. The background is dark grey with faint outlines of broken chains, suggesting previous failures have been overcome but not learned from.

Crypto News

Liquid Restaking Token of Doom: Because You Clearly Haven’t Learned From Your Previous 17 Crypto Disasters

YieldNest is at it again. Launching a new liquid restaking token called ynLSDe because apparently people still want to play with fire despite all the warnings […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

Bitcoin

Aptos Foundation Teams Up With Web3 Streaming Platform Because Clearly What the World Needs Is Another Useless Token to Clutter Our Already Overcrowded Inboxes of Despair

The world is full of idiots who can’t see the writing on the wall, folks! Cryptocurrency enthusiasts are still clutching onto their worthless coins like they're […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

An illustration of an endless spiral vortex with various cryptocurrencies trapped inside it at different levels. The currencies are depicted as colorful balls that have lost their shape and size due to being stuck for so long. Some of them appear broken or fragmented while others seem intact but frozen in time, unable to escape the gravitational pull of the vortex. In the center of the spiral is a large void where one can see fragments of tokens with negative price impact scattered around it.

Crypto News

Hacked Cryptocurrencies Forever Stuck in Vortex of Eternal Pricelessness

The crypto bros are at it again! They can't even secure their own little toys. It's like they expect us all to just sit back and […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

Crypto News

MEV Bots: Because Who Needs Human Intelligence When You Can Just Steal From DeFi Protocols and Call It a Day

The never-ending saga of crypto scams continues! It seems like just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, another MEV bot […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

An illustration of a sinking ship at sea on fire and losing cargo boxes into the water below while nearby ships are sailing away from it; one is seen with an arrow pointing upwards indicating rising investment flows. The background has dark stormy clouds, contrasting with bright sunlight shining through in the distance where calm waters meet clear blue skies. A faint outline of a lighthouse can be made out on the horizon. In the foreground, flames engulf parts of the ship's deck and smoke billows into the air as it continues to list heavily to one side.

Bitcoin

ETF Investors Discover It Takes 5 Whole Days for Funds to Abandon Sinking Ship

The crypto-love is strong this week! It seems like everyone and their grandma has decided that Ethereum ETFs are a great way to lose money - […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

An illustration depicting an economic graph in free fall towards the ground with various cryptocurrencies floating above it like balloons; some have popped while others remain intact but look precarious; Bitcoin is shown as a large balloon at the center of the image. In the background, there are subtle hints of traditional financial institutions and regulatory frameworks trying to grasp or stabilize the situation. The overall atmosphere conveys uncertainty and volatility amidst potential growth and development in the crypto industry.

Crypto News

Lower Interest Rates Will Definitely Not Cause a Global Economic Meltdown This Time I Promise

The eternal optimist HashKey Capital CEO is at it again! Citing the potential for DeFi summer 2.0 because interest rates might drop (yay!) is a classic […]

Doug Martinez August 20, 2024

An illustration: A judge sits at a desk with papers scattered around them; they hold up their hand to halt the flow of money pouring from one side of the room (labelled 'Employer') towards another (labelled 'Employee'); in the background, coins and banknotes are replaced by cryptocurrency symbols floating upwards. The scene is set against a cityscape at sunset with skyscrapers representing Dubai's skyline; people walk through streets below as they go about their daily business while looking up to see what’s happening above them.

Altcoins

Dubai Court Suddenly Realizes Crypto Isn’t Actually Made of Unicorn Tears and Decides It Can Be Used for Normal Things Like Paying People

It's about time Dubai caught up with the rest of us who think cryptocurrency is a scam! Who needs to be paid in crypto when it’s […]

Doug Martinez August 20, 2024

An illustration of a chaotic market scene: bots are depicted as giant spiders crawling across screens displaying cryptocurrency prices, while humans are shown running away in fear; at center stage, a large clock is ticking down amidst scattered coins and broken glass; three smaller clocks on the periphery show different times, symbolizing the protocol's pre-processing, auction, and execution stages

Crypto News

MEV Attacks: Because What Could Possibly Go Wrong When You Let Bots Run Amok on the Blockchain and Hand Out Participation Trophies to Everyone Except Human Beings

The never-ending saga of cryptocurrency's greatest hits: MEV attacks! Because what could possibly go wrong when you give a bunch of bots free reign to manipulate […]

Doug Martinez August 19, 2024

An illustration of an old man holding onto two balloons with 'TAO' and 'SUI' written above them as they float away into thin air; he is surrounded by broken chains and shattered glass on the ground. A faint image of a blockchain in the background appears to be crumbling apart, while nearby AI robots are shown malfunctioning or falling over. The old man's face shows frustration and despair. In contrast, two younger figures stand at a distance watching with indifference as they hold onto smartphones displaying 'Grayscale' logos on their screens;

Crypto News

Grayscale Just Unleashed Its Latest Cash-Grab Schemes Focused on the Magic of Artificial Intelligence and Blockchains That Don’t Actually Scale

Oh boy, Grayscale's at it again! Launching two new trusts because they think AI and scalable blockchain tech will make them rich off gullible investors. Like […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of a large globe with many interconnected gears inside it; some gears have dollar signs on them while others appear broken or rusty; at the top, an AI robot is shown holding a key that unlocks one of the working gears which releases a small amount of money into space as other gears continue to spin and break. In the background, there are faint images of blockchain blocks being stacked up with some having dollar signs on them while others appear empty or have question marks over them;

Regulation/Negotiation

Decentralized Artificial Intelligence Platform Secures 43 Million Dollars Because That’s Exactly What the World Needed More Of

Well well well! Look at this mess of buzzwords: "Decentralized", "Artificial Intelligence", "Blockchain-based" - it's like a crypto bro vomited all over my keyboard! But seriously, […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

An illustration of a gear turning into an infinity symbol while surrounded by swirling cryptocurrency values with some assets rising and others falling but all stabilizing around the central infinity symbol which represents Gearbox Protocol's aim at establishing itself as the leverage layer for the entire DeFi ecosystem, enhancing asset utilization while providing users with more flexibility and opportunities within the DeFi space. The gear is depicted in a futuristic style with neon lights reflecting off its metallic surface, conveying a sense of innovation and cutting-edge technology.

Bitcoin

Leverage Your Way Into Oblivion With This Super Cool New Crypto Thingamajig That Will Totally Not Bankrupt You

It's time again to talk about some crypto nonsense - specifically a new protocol called Gearbox Protocol which promises to unlock greater access to capital across […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

Crypto News

Nudge Protocol Promises to Magically Conjure Quadrillions Out of Your Wallet by Waving Its Wizard Hands at the Void

The utter desperation of the crypto bros never ceases to amaze me! Here we go again with another wild-eyed promise that's just begging to be debunked […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

An illustration: A miner wearing a black hoodie with a red "R" emblem holding a large sack full of dirty laundry while running away from an approaching Russian police officer carrying a briefcase labeled 'Regulation' and another one chasing him with a megaphone. In the background, there's a cityscape at sunset with Bitcoin symbols scattered around buildings. The miner is surrounded by coins and money laundering signs are visible on his sack. He has a guilty look on his face while running away from the law enforcement officers who seem to be closing in on him.

Crypto News

Russian Crypto Miners Caught Red-Handed Laundering Their Dirty Laundry

Russian crypto miners are finally getting their act together - or at least trying to. A new bill regulating the industry has been approved by the […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration: A cartoonish image depicting a giant hammer smashing down on an evil-looking troll with multiple patents attached to its back; one patent is being torn off and thrown away, while another falls from above like confetti; MakerDAO and Compound Protocol logos are shown as shields protecting the scene. In the background, there's a faint outline of OpenSea marketplace where NFTs are displayed in various shapes and sizes. The atmosphere around the troll has an eerie glow with dark clouds suggesting chaos is being dispelled by the hammer blow.

Ethereum

DEF Buys Patent That Will Instantly Become Worthless As Soon As Someone Else Figures Out How To Sue Them Anyway

The patent troll drama continues! DEF buys a useless patent to save MakerDAO and Compound from getting sued by another worthless entity called True Return Systems […]

Barry Thompson August 13, 2024

Defi

Disclaimer