Crypto Regulation

Mango Markets’ SEC Settlement Vote May Decide Fate of Entire Cryptocurrency Industry and Possibly the World Economy Too Because Who Needs Stability Anyway

The never-ending saga that is Mango Markets continues! Like a bad penny, it keeps turning up with more drama than a crypto bro at a Bitcoin […]

Linda Williams August 22, 2024

Germany Just Saved the World From 13 More Ridiculous Crypto ATMs That Clearly Had No Business Existing in the First Place

I guess some people still think cryptocurrency can't get any more embarrassing for its proponents. Here we have Germany's top financial regulator shutting down 13 unauthorized […]

Linda Williams August 22, 2024

An illustration of a grandmother's garage with an old computer on a table next to a sign that says "Crypto Operation" while being surrounded by police tape; there are also some cryptocurrency symbols scattered around the floor in front of it; outside is written "$100 Licensing Fee". The background shows Hong Kong cityscape. In the foreground, two officers from the SFC stand with their arms crossed looking at each other and shaking their heads as they look back at the garage operation. A small dog runs out of the garage while a cat looks down from an upstairs window;

Hong Kong Shuts Down Your Grandma’s Garage Crypto Operation Because She Refused to Pay the $100 Licensing Fee

The eternal struggle between regulators trying to bring some semblance of order to the Wild West that is cryptocurrency trading continues! It's like they say: you […]

Linda Williams August 22, 2024

An illustration: A cartoon bank executive sits at a desk amidst chaos; papers are scattered everywhere; his computer screen displays an image of a hacker in sunglasses holding up a "Gotcha" sign while regulators stand behind him with handcuffs ready to be applied, as he looks on in despair and confusion. The background is filled with images of data breaches and cybersecurity warnings flashing by like TV screens. In the corner, three empty chairs sit at his table representing the departing executives; one chair has a note that reads "See you later".

Crypto Bank Execs Suffer Existential Crisis After Their Friends Steal Everyone’s Info and Get Caught by Regulators

The crypto bros are really getting burned now! Three execs at a bank that's friendly with cryptocurrency have left their jobs due to regulatory crackdowns - […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

An illustration of an endless spiral vortex with various cryptocurrencies trapped inside it at different levels. The currencies are depicted as colorful balls that have lost their shape and size due to being stuck for so long. Some of them appear broken or fragmented while others seem intact but frozen in time, unable to escape the gravitational pull of the vortex. In the center of the spiral is a large void where one can see fragments of tokens with negative price impact scattered around it.

Hacked Cryptocurrencies Forever Stuck in Vortex of Eternal Pricelessness

The crypto bros are at it again! They can't even secure their own little toys. It's like they expect us all to just sit back and […]

Doug Martinez August 22, 2024

An illustration of Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Nicole Shanahan, Donald Trump, Kamala Harris, Tim Walz standing on top of a large American flag with their hands clasped together forming a unity chain while holding onto each other's shoulders and wearing matching "Unity Party" t-shirts; in the background is an image of Bitcoin toilet paper rolls floating away from them. The group stands amidst a sea of ballots with some having Trump, Kennedy Jr.

RFK Jr’s Running Mate Floats ‘Unity Party’ With Former President Trump Who’s Probably Going to Use It as an Excuse to Sell His Own Line of Branded Bitcoin Toilet Paper and Make America Flush Again

The crypto bros are having some fun now that RFK Jr is promising to back the US dollar with Bitcoin. Because what we all know about […]

Linda Williams August 22, 2024

An illustration of a large paperweight crushing an empty wallet with scattered coins around it as two figures in business attire stand on either side looking concerned. One figure is holding a briefcase while the other holds a tablet displaying Seychelles' flag, both are surrounded by faint lines resembling office cubicles and computer screens showing virtual asset charts. In the background there's a subtle image of an island landscape with palm trees swaying in the wind. The overall atmosphere conveys a sense of caution and regulation amidst innovation.

Virtual Assets Are Now Officially Worth Less Than the Paper They’re Printed On

Ahahahaha! Look at this clown trying to regulate something that's inherently worthless - cryptocurrency! It's like putting lipstick on a pig, folks. The Seychelles government is […]

Linda Williams August 20, 2024

Ripple Legal Chief Still Holding Out Hope That Court Will Reverse Itself 90% of the Time and Suddenly Decide XRP Is Totally Not a Security After All

The never-ending saga of Ripple's XRP case against the SEC continues to provide us with endless entertainment. Because what could possibly be more thrilling than a […]

Linda Williams August 19, 2024

An illustration of a judge's gavel lying broken at the base of a staircase with 9 steps leading up to it, while one step is highlighted in red and marked by an arrow pointing upwards; above the stairs, two opposing figures stand facing each other: on the left side stands a confident figure holding a briefcase labeled "SEC", looking down towards the gavel, while on the right side stands another figure with arms crossed and eyes cast downwards

Crypto Bro Billionaire Predicts 90% Chance of Winning at Dice Game Against Actual Regulators

The crypto bros are at it again, spewing their trademarked brand of ignorance and hubris about cryptocurrency law. This time, they're gloating over a court ruling […]

Kevin Nelson August 19, 2024

Binance Writes Another Fat Check to Bribbe Brazilian Regulators Into Ignoring Their Irregularities

The never-ending saga of Binance's regulatory woes continues! Because what's a few million dollars here and there when you're making billions off gullible investors, right? I […]

Barry Thompson August 19, 2024

An illustration of a clock stuck at midnight on July 18th, surrounded by scattered coins with some missing from their spots; in the background, a calendar shows August 16th marked as "update day" but still no clear date for withdrawals; nearby, an anxious figure looks up at the clock

WazirX Restores Balances, Still Can’t Tell You When Your Money Will Be Yours Again

The never-ending saga of cryptocurrency's finest hour (or should I say, worst). WazirX has finally restored balances on their exchange, but let me guess what comes […]

Doug Martinez August 19, 2024

An illustration of a chaotic market scene: bots are depicted as giant spiders crawling across screens displaying cryptocurrency prices, while humans are shown running away in fear; at center stage, a large clock is ticking down amidst scattered coins and broken glass; three smaller clocks on the periphery show different times, symbolizing the protocol's pre-processing, auction, and execution stages

MEV Attacks: Because What Could Possibly Go Wrong When You Let Bots Run Amok on the Blockchain and Hand Out Participation Trophies to Everyone Except Human Beings

The never-ending saga of cryptocurrency's greatest hits: MEV attacks! Because what could possibly go wrong when you give a bunch of bots free reign to manipulate […]

Doug Martinez August 19, 2024

An illustration of a fortress with thick walls and iron gates protecting a safe interior where a hardware wallet is stored on a pedestal. A nearby computer and smartphone are shown being attacked by swarms of insects representing hackers, while flames engulf an exchange-linked wallet in the background. In contrast to this chaos, the secure fortress remains untouched, its doors locked with a keyhole that reads "PIN".

Germany Tells You What Everyone Already Knew: Hardware Wallets Are the Only Thing Keeping Your Crypto From Being Stolen by a Horde of Anxious Hackers

The German Information Security Office is finally telling people what we've all known for years: cryptocurrency storage is a hot mess waiting to happen. Because who […]

Linda Williams August 19, 2024

An illustration of a bureaucratic maze, filled with red tape and warning signs, engulfing a smiling cryptocurrency investor who is being dragged away by stern-looking government agents amidst swirling dollar bills and Bitcoin symbols in the background. A giant "Money" sign looms overhead as a central bank digital currency coin crashes to the ground below

Crypto Investors Rejoice: Government Now Officially Considering Wrecking Your Life With Bureaucratic Red Tape

The regulatory tidal wave is finally coming for crypto, you numbskulls! It's about time those reckless speculators were brought under the same rules as real money. […]

Linda Williams August 19, 2024

An illustration of a sinking ship with flames engulfing its hull and debris scattered in the water below, surrounded by sharks representing various crypto-related catastrophes: one shark labeled as "Scam App", another as "Illegal Miners" and several others symbolizing losses and threats to investors; above the wreckage, dark clouds gather with lightning bolts striking down

You Won’t Believe the Utter Catastrophe That Is This Weekend’s Crypto News – $5M Scam App, Illegal Miners and More Horrors Unleashed

The weekend wrap: where we round up all the crypto disasters that didn't make it into your local paper because they're not sexy enough for a […]

Linda Williams August 19, 2024

An illustration of a giant American flag being held aloft by 50 million tiny figures in cryptocurrency-themed costumes, while a smaller figure representing Gary Gensler is shown falling away from the scene; above them, an arrow points towards Vice President Kamala Harris standing at a podium with a speech bubble rising up to her ear

Tyler Winklevoss Still Thinks His Crypto Buddies Are Going to Save America From Itself

The eternal optimism of Tyler Winklevoss - still clinging to the notion that 50 million Americans who own cryptocurrency are a force to be reckoned with, […]

Linda Williams August 19, 2024

Vitalik Creates New Buzzphrase That Will Definitely Not End in Catastrophic Failure and Global Economic Collapse

The great Vitalik's latest intellectual endeavor: "defensive accelerationism" (d/acc). Because what the world really needs is another buzzword-laden concept from a cryptocurrency enthusiast with a penchant […]

Barry Thompson August 19, 2024

PWC China’s Regulatory Nightmare Is a Golden Opportunity for Their Arch-Nemesis Ey and KPMG to Steal All the Clients With Cash on Hand While PWC Fumbles

It seems like PwC's China operation is in a bit of hot water, with over half its corporate clients jumping ship after regulators started investigating their […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a financial advisor standing in front of a large, ominous-looking door labeled "Crypto Assets" while holding onto a rope tied around their waist; they look worried as if being pulled towards the door by an unseen force with other advisors visible through the doorway looking equally concerned and some falling off into darkness. In the background is a cityscape at sunset with buildings crumbling in ruin amidst clouds of smoke, flames, or debris. The advisor's hands are grasping for something to hold onto but their grip keeps slipping as they're being pulled towards the door;

Bitcoin Etfs: The Sec-Approved Recipe For Financial Ruin That Your Advisor Is Too Afraid To Tell You About

Oh boy, it looks like someone finally gets it! John Reed Stark knows a thing or two about the SEC (he used to run their internet […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024