Crypto Funds

Blackrock Unleashes Bitcoin Beast Mode and Now the World Owes Us $124M Because We Can Apparently Do Math

The cryptocurrency space is at it again, folks! This time around, Blackrock's IBIT fund has somehow managed to suck in a whopping $124 million on Monday […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

Bitcoin: Because Who Needs Stable Currency When You Can Have a Wild Ride on the Rollercoaster of Speculation and Desperation

What's next for these Bitcoin ETFs? Will they continue to attract billions of dollars in inflows, or will it all come crashing down like a house […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration depicting an empty wallet with its zipper open revealing nothing inside but two algorithms floating above it holding briefcases filled with money while ether tokens float around them; one algorithm is shown looking at a computer screen displaying the market capitalization and exchange rates. The scene takes place in front of a cityscape background representing financial markets, with buildings labeled as exchanges and trading platforms. In the foreground, there are scattered papers on the ground showing various cryptocurrency prices and charts.

ETH: Because Who Needs Actual Ownership When You Can Just Trust Some Algorithm With 3 Billion Dollars Worth of Your Money

Let me tell you something about these so-called "Ethereum ETFs". They're just fancy ways for investors to throw their money at Ethereum without actually having to […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

Bitcoin ETFs Erupt Into 100 Billion Dollar Bubble of Pure Fictitious Wealth

Cryptocurrency: because who needs real wealth when you can have fake numbers printed out by computers? It's not like we've learned anything from history about tulip […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

$301M Flows Into the Neverending Pit of Financial Despair Known as Bitcoin ETFs Because Apparently Someone Has to Keep Funding This Sinking Ship

Another day, another bunch of gullible idiots pouring their money into Bitcoin because they think it's a get-rich-quick scheme. Meanwhile, the rest of us are over […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of an investor holding onto their hat as it blows away from them amidst swirling financial charts and graphs with arrows pointing down; nearby is another chart showing inflows into ETFs while Grayscale's Ethereum Trust offloads funds. In the background are faint images of a calendar flipping to show four days of outflows followed by one day of gains, all set against a backdrop of falling mountains. The investor stands in front of an open door with 'Out' written on it and another closed door labeled 'In'. A small chart below shows net inflows still negative at -$405.

Ethereum ETF Investors Finally Achieve Something Other Than Losing Money: Outflows Still Happen

The eternal optimists at Grayscale's Ethereum Trust (ETHE) have managed to offload an astonishing $120.28 million worth of ether-based assets this week alone! Meanwhile, their fellow […]

Sam Rogers August 15, 2024

An illustration of an investor sitting at their desk with stacks of worthless papers labeled "Ethereum" next to them, looking out the window as they watch money flying away from their basement apartment through broken windows and torn curtains. The room is cluttered with old furniture and trash while a faint image of a parent's voice can be heard in the background saying something about how things will get better someday. In the corner, an empty pizza box has "I'm sorry" scribbled on it. A small cat sits next to the investor looking worried as they stare at their worthless papers with despair.

US Investors Flee to Their Parents’ Basements After Realizing They’ve Invested in Something Called “Ethereum

The sweet taste of schadenfreude! It seems like some poor souls have finally realized that investing in Ethereum was not as bright an idea as they […]

Kevin Nelson August 15, 2024

An illustration of a giant piggy bank overflowing with gold coins and dollar bills spilling onto the ground amidst broken chains symbolizing freedom from financial constraints. A smaller piggy bank sits at its base filled to capacity, while in the background an image of a 401K plan document lies torn on the floor next to scattered papers representing lost savings. The overall atmosphere is one of abundance and liberation. In the foreground, gold coins are seen being poured into another large container labeled with the US flag as it rises above the scene signifying growth and prosperity.

US Crypto Bro Reserve Accounts Now Hold More Money Than Most People’s 401Ks

The perpetual motion machine that is cryptocurrency has finally reached new heights with the introduction of nine Ethereum exchange-traded funds (ETF) and a whopping 10 billion […]

Kevin Nelson August 15, 2024

Bitcoin ETFs: Because Who Needs Actual Money When You Can Bet on a Fad and Lose Everything

The gullible idiots are at it again! They're pouring their hard-earned cash into Bitcoin ETFs like there's no tomorrow - or in this case, until they […]

Doug Martinez August 15, 2024

An illustration: A large bear is seen walking away from a sinking ship with an anchor labeled "BTC" in it while another smaller bear runs towards a rising buoyant boat labelled "ETH". The background shows waves and the sun setting on the horizon indicating recovery. In the foreground are coins of different denominations floating upwards, some being caught by the small bear running to ETH's side. A few fish swim away from the sinking ship with an anchor in it while others jump into the rising buoyant boat labelled "ETH". The two bears have a contrasting expression on their faces;

Investors Flock To Ethereum Like It’S A Burning Building Because Who Needs Logic Anyway, Meanwhile Bitcoin Just Sits There Being The Actual Store Of Value As Crypto Markets Recover In Spite Of Themselves

The crypto bros are at it again! Flocking to ETH like a bunch of lemmings off a cliff because some new ETFs launched in late July […]

Barry Thompson August 15, 2024

An illustration of an underwater scene with a whale swimming towards the surface holding onto large bags filled with Ether tokens and coins, while above water there is a faint image of a price chart showing resistance lines at $2,700; in the background are subtle waves representing market fluctuations. The atmosphere around the whale appears calm but tense as it approaches the next level up on its journey to recovery. In contrast, ripples from below indicate uncertainty and instability beneath the surface. A gentle breeze carries faint echoes of a recovering price line above water.

Whale Spends $13M On Worthless Digital Tokens And We’Re All Expected To Care Again Because Apparently That Matters Now

The thrilling tale of whales buying Ether and somehow expecting us all to care. Because what's more riveting than a massive amount of money being spent […]

Sam Rogers August 15, 2024

An illustration of an upward trending line with green arrows on top of a downward sloping graph representing Ether's price drop; in the background, nine small buildings are rising while one is sinking. The scene takes place at sunset over water with waves splashing against rocks below. A large sun sets behind the buildings casting long shadows across them. In the foreground, several coins and dollar bills float upwards towards the trend line as if being drawn to it.

Crypto Investors Still Throwing Money At Ether Etfs Like They’Re Trying To Set Their Wallets On Fire

The never-ending farce of cryptocurrency investing continues! It's like watching a train wreck in slow motion - you can't look away even though you know the […]

Barry Thompson August 15, 2024

An illustration of an old-fashioned money pump with blood dripping from it, surrounded by falling coins and dollar signs; at its base lies a broken Bitcoin symbol amidst scattered papers labeled 'ETF' and 'Losses'. In the background is a faint image of two people running away in opposite directions. The scene takes place on a darkened city street littered with trash cans overflowing with worthless currency notes, while above looms an ominous moonlit sky filled by fluttering dollar signs that seem to be falling towards the ground like autumn leaves.

US Crypto Bro ETFs Are Literally Bleeding Money Because Apparently Nobody Told Them That Investing in Bitcoin Is a Recipe for Disaster

It seems like another day, another dollar lost by crypto bros who still can't figure out that their precious Bitcoin ETFs are nothing but money pits […]

Kevin Nelson August 15, 2024

An illustration of an empty city street at night with only one car driving down it's center lane and a few people walking on either side of the road but all moving away from each other towards their respective directions. The sky is filled with clouds that resemble Ethereum blocks floating upwards, some are broken or fragmented while others appear complete. In front of the lone driver there's an arrow pointing downwards indicating decreasing gas prices as it moves further down into a tunnel where everything becomes dark and empty except for one small light in the distance.

Ethereum: Because Who Needs A Functional Blockchain When You Can Have Free Transactions And An Endless Supply Of Worthless Tokens?

The Ethereum blockchain is plummeting like a cryptocurrency-themed Hindenburg disaster - gas fees are at a five-year low! Who needs security and stability when you can […]

Barry Thompson August 15, 2024

An illustration of a sinking ship labeled as "ETF" while an anchor is being pulled out from its hull by two laughing figures holding briefcases and wearing suits in the background; nearby sea creatures are swimming away with coins attached to their fins, amidst waves marked 'outflows' crashing against rocks. In the foreground, another figure stands on the shore looking at a map of the ocean labeled "ETH reserves" while pointing towards an island called "market capitalization". The sky is filled with dark clouds and lightning bolts strike in the distance.

US Ethereum ETFs Are Being Sold for Pennies on the Dollar While Their Sponsors Laugh All the Way to the Bank

The cryptocurrency world is a dumpster fire and it's only getting worse! It seems like every day we get to see another ETF fail miserably or […]

Kevin Nelson August 15, 2024

Crypto User Accidentally Transfers Entire Life Savings To Random Nigerian Prince Via Ethereum Because They Still Think It’S 2005 And The Internet Is Magic

Another brainless crypto user blows $90K on gas fees because they can't even be bothered to learn how the platform works. I mean, it's not like […]

Sam Rogers August 15, 2024

Hamilton Lane Unleashes Epic Fail: Multi-Billion-Dollar Asset Manager Wastes Entire Existence on Solana Private Credit Fund

Hamilton Lane's latest move into private credit fund launches on Solana is a joke right? I mean who needs traditional banking when you can just create […]

Sam Rogers August 15, 2024

An illustration of a ship navigating through stormy waters towards a calm sea at sunset with its sails filled by wind from behind; in front of it is an island representing stability and security while on either side are two smaller ships symbolizing speed and transparency respectively, all connected to the main vessel via ropes signifying balance between them. The background features subtle waves indicating movement but also hints at a sense of calmness as they approach their destination.

DeFi

Vessel Finance: Because Who Needs Regulation When You Can Just Hide Your Shady Math Behind Fancy Computer Tricks

Oh boy, another cryptocurrency trying to make it big by promising transparency and efficiency while hiding its true nature of being a bunch of numbers on […]

Sam Rogers August 13, 2024

An illustration of an upward arrow rising from the ashes of two broken arrows on a dark background with stars shining above; one star is shaped like a dollar sign while another resembles a coin. In the foreground are scattered coins and dollars bills in various states of disintegration, some torn apart or partially burned but still emitting sparks as they fall towards the ground below where flames flicker amidst smoldering embers. The overall atmosphere conveys growth from adversity with an emphasis on resilience over time.