BIDEN BANANA PANIC: Shocking Truth About Bitcoin’s Latest Wild Ride Revealed
I've got some bad news for all you crypto bros out there who think Bitcoin is going to moon after the election - it's still a […]
Bitcoin Price
You Won’t Believe What Happens When You Stop Watching Bitcoin – The Shocking Truth About Altcoin Armchair Quitters
The world of cryptocurrency - where indecisiveness is rewarded with a participation trophy, and 'HODL' has become an Olympic sport. As I sit here sipping my […]
Buckle Up, Buttercup! Your Wallet’s About to Get a FREE Ride Down Into the Abyss of Despair With Bitcoin Plummeting Below $50K This Month… Guaranteed (Not Really)
The Cryptocurrency Rollercoaster Rides Again - Or Does It?.
BREAKING: US Money Market Funds Hit $6.2T and Suddenly Everyone Remembers They’re Still Broke Because Bitcoin Is a Thing Now
The never-ending saga of gullible investors throwing their money at a glorified Ponzi scheme continues. As US money market funds reach new heights of $6.2T, the […]
8/23: The One Day a Year You Should Actually Listen to Cryptocurrency ‘Analysts’ Before They Get Fired Again
The cryptocurrency market is a never-ending circus of speculation and hype, with prices bouncing around like a rubber ball on a pogo stick. The so-called 'analysts' […]
Trader Gets Rich Overnight After Realizing Tron Is Still Somehow Relevant in 2023
Well well well, look who's at it again with their get-rich-quick schemes! Another Tron-based memecoin that nobody needs or wants has managed to make some poor […]
Cardano ADA Price Spikes Mysteriously for Reasons Nobody Can Explain and Everyone Should Invest Immediately
The price is up because some people think it's going up? Classic crypto bro reasoning here. You'd be surprised how well that works on gullible idiots […]
FTX Creditors Prove Once and for All That Even When You’ve Lost Everything, a 5% Chance Is Still Better Than No Chance at All
FTX: because who needs to be solvent when you can declare bankruptcy and still get people to vote with their wallets? I mean, it's not like […]
BNB Price Skyrockets Because Clearly the Only Thing That Matters Is Binance’s Unwavering Commitment to Being Sued by Investors
The reason we're talking about Binance's compliance team is because they've been sued by three crypto investors who claim their assets were stolen due to lack […]
Blockchain Startup Secures 80 Million Dollars and Suddenly Everyone’s an Expert on the Future of Decentralized Everything
Ahahahaha! Here we go again - another overhyped blockchain startup trying to make a buck off of naive investors who think that "Web3" is more than […]
RFK Jr’s Running Mate Floats ‘Unity Party’ With Former President Trump Who’s Probably Going to Use It as an Excuse to Sell His Own Line of Branded Bitcoin Toilet Paper and Make America Flush Again
The crypto bros are having some fun now that RFK Jr is promising to back the US dollar with Bitcoin. Because what we all know about […]
Bitfarmers Suck So Hard They Need to Buy Out Their Own Failure for a Quarter Billion Bucks
Well isn't this just peachy? Another Bitcoin mining company is going bankrupt because it can't keep up with its debt payments! Bitfarms has decided to "acquire" […]
Hash Ribbons Are Basically Screaming GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN
Well isn't this just peachy. The crypto bros are still trying to convince us that their precious Bitcoin is going up and all we need to […]
Bitcoin Miner Greenidge Gets Sued by Nature for Being Terrible at Not Polluting
The never-ending saga of crypto companies fighting with regulators over their own incompetence continues! Greenidge Generation Holdings Inc., yet another bitcoin mining operation that can't seem […]
Solana Memecoin Trading Volume Crashes by a Whopping 80%, but Somehow We’re Still Stuck in This Never-Ending Cycle of Hype and Disappointment, Because Who Needs Actual Fundamentals When You Have FOMO
The Solana-based Memecoin madness is finally starting to die down as volumes plummet by 80% in the last two weeks! It's been a wild ride, but […]
Judge Sets Oct 2025 Trial for Brothers Who Apparently Really Love Crypto So Much They Stole a Small Fortune From It
Let's talk about crypto love - the kind that gets your heart racing like watching paint dry or waiting in line at the DMV! It seems […]
Crypto Bro Billionaire Predicts 90% Chance of Winning at Dice Game Against Actual Regulators
The crypto bros are at it again, spewing their trademarked brand of ignorance and hubris about cryptocurrency law. This time, they're gloating over a court ruling […]
Cryptocurrency Community Abuzz With Excitement as Another Token Gets Added to a Blockchain That Will Probably Just Get Hacked Anyway
Because I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats waiting for more news about cryptocurrency's never-ending parade of self-serving announcements, let me tell you […]
Crypto Bros Unleash Frenzied Predictions After Brief Momentary Increase in Gold Prices Causes Sudden Onset of Collective Amnesia Regarding Previous 10 Years of Market Performance
The eternal optimism of crypto bros never ceases to amuse me. Fred Krueger and Jack Mallers spewing forth their latest hot takes about gold's bull run […]
NYSE, Nasdaq Succumb to Existential Dread, Withdraw 3 More Requests for Crypto ETF Options Rule Changes Because Clearly They Were Never Going to Get It Together Anyway
The great crypto dance continues! It's like a never-ending episode of "Swan Lake" out there, with exchanges and regulators twirling around each other in a delicate […]
Goldman Sachs Suddenly Realizes They’ve Been Wrong About Everything for Years, Still Somehow Manages to Keep Their Job
The eternal optimism of economists. Goldman Sachs thinks a recession is less likely? That's like saying your aunt at Thanksgiving says she's lost weight and you're […]
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