Binance

Biden’s Crypto Rescue Mission: We’re About to Find Out if He’ll Get Away With Freeing the ‘Bitcoin Bandit’ Held Hostage by Nigeria – And It Won’t End Well

Biden's got some 'biting' advice from 18 state attorneys general - help free Binance exec Tigran Gambaryan, who's been detained like a Bitcoin ATM robber in […]

Kevin Nelson October 21, 2024

Binance Snatches Another Decentralized Dream: Is This Crypto’s Downfall or Its Destiny?

Just another day in crypto land where 'decentralization' is just code for 'we're too scared to list on anything other than Binance'. Scroll's recent listing on […]

Sam Rogers October 15, 2024

You Won’t Believe What Happens When You Stop Watching Bitcoin – The Shocking Truth About Altcoin Armchair Quitters

The world of cryptocurrency - where indecisiveness is rewarded with a participation trophy, and 'HODL' has become an Olympic sport. As I sit here sipping my […]

Sam Rogers October 15, 2024

A frail figure of a man is seen being dragged away by prison guards while holding onto his stomach, with a faint image of an X-ray showing a herniated disc or spinal injury visible through his shirt. The background shows a Nigerian court room in chaos as people look on.

Binance’s Crypto Cash Cow in Nigeria Just Got a Whole Lot Weirder: Why This Guy Will Do Anything to Avoid Jail (Even if It Kills Him)

Binance's got a new 'friend' down under: Nigerian courts - and they're not exactly known for their crypto-savviness. It looks like even Binance can't escape the […]

Kevin Nelson October 11, 2024

BINANCE ON BRINK OF TOTAL COLLAPSE: Trading Volumes Plummet, Market Share Crashes Back to 2020 Levels – Is This the End of Crypto’s Favorite Son?!

There's nothing quite like watching crypto bros scramble when their precious Binance starts hemorrhaging trading volume. It seems that September was a particularly brutal month for […]

Kevin Nelson October 5, 2024

Blockchain

Binance Founder CZ Released From Custody, Immediately Declares Himself Visionary Genius Again!

} CZ's Big Exit: Because Who Needs a Real Job Anyway? Changpeng Zhao (CZ), the former CEO of Binance, has finally been released from U.S. custody […]

Sam Rogers October 5, 2024

A comic-style illustration depicting two figures - one representing Binance and another Indonesian authorities - standing back-to-back with a pig between them, surrounded by chains of money bags ($200K) being lifted up into the air as mobile phones and bank cards are seized in the background.

News

$200K RECOVERED: Binance Joins Forces With Indonesian Cops, Proves Crypto Is Still a Great Way to Lose Your Life Savings!

Crypto scams: because what's a little financial ruin among friends? Today we have the thrilling tale of how Binance and Tokocrypto joined forces with Indonesian authorities […]

Sam Rogers October 4, 2024

An illustration of a phoenix rising from the ashes amidst flames. The bird's wings are spread wide as it soars into the sky, but its feathers are singed and charred. In the background, a cityscape is visible in ruins.

Binance Gets License in Kazakhstan, Because Who Needs Regulation When You Can Just Add to the Meltdown?

Binance Secures Regulatory License in Kazakhstan: Because One Scam Isn't Enough for Central Asia... Yet.

Kevin Nelson October 4, 2024

An illustration shows a man trapped behind bars in Nigeria with malaria-ridden mosquitoes buzzing around him and US flags waving outside his cell window, while Nigerian officials stand guard nearby.

US Government Launches Desperate Rescue Mission: Binance Employee Trapped in Nigeria, Malaria Threat Looms!

It looks like Binance's favorite employee Tigran Gambaryan is in hot water... again. But this time it's not just about being a crypto bro who can't […]

Kevin Nelson September 16, 2024

A of a coffin with a broken chain on it lies next to a pile of cryptocurrency tokens, some of which are being swept away by an overflowing bucket labeled 'SEC regulations'. In the background, a ghostly figure representing crypto bro dreams is seen fleeing in terror. The atmosphere is one of chaos and despair.

BREAKING: SEC Declares Crypto Bro Dreams Officially Dead, Confirms Tokens Are Actually Just Stocks in Disguise

The eternal struggle between regulators trying to make sense of cryptocurrency and crypto bros who are still convinced they're going to get rich quick by trading […]

Kevin Nelson September 16, 2024

A comic illustration depicting a person in prison attire sitting on a hospital bed with IV tubes and medical equipment surrounding them. The figure's face contorts in pain while they clutch their throat due to severe tonsillitis, represented by red inflamed tissue. In the background, bars of a cell block stretch out into darkness, symbolizing isolation.

Binance Executive Detained for 6 Months Without Trial: Because Nothing Says ‘Justice’ Like a Little Bit of Medical Neglect, Isolation and Possibly Some Unpaid Taxes

Just when you thought it was safe to get back into cryptocurrency... Binance executive Tigran Gambaryan's health is taking a turn for the worse after six […]

Doug Martinez August 27, 2024

YOU WON’T BELIEVE the Crypto Exchange That Just Got Sued by a Bunch of Outraged Australians… Guess Who It Is!

Not another one bites the dust! It seems like every other week we're reading about some cryptocurrency exchange getting fined by a regulatory body for its […]

Kevin Nelson August 25, 2024

Nvidia’s Crypto Conundrum: A Billion-Dollar Slip-Up That Will Send Lawyers Scrambling for Their Wallets and Leave the Industry in Ruins

Nvidia's woes are not just about GPUs anymore - it seems like they're now fighting off frivolous lawsuits from crypto investors who think they were misled […]

Linda Williams August 22, 2024

Cardano ADA Price Spikes Mysteriously for Reasons Nobody Can Explain and Everyone Should Invest Immediately

The price is up because some people think it's going up? Classic crypto bro reasoning here. You'd be surprised how well that works on gullible idiots […]

Kevin Nelson August 22, 2024

An illustration of a basketball player, Jimmy Butler in his Miami Heat jersey and holding a Binance branded basketball with broken chains around it. The background is filled with falling cryptocurrencies from the lawsuit list: SOL, ADA, MATIC, FIL, ATOM, SAND, MANA, ALGO, AXS, COTI. In front of him are two large coins labeled as "BUSD" and "BNB". A faint image of a judge's gavel is seen in the distance with broken chains around it too. The basketball player has his arms outstretched upwards while looking down at the falling cryptocurrencies.

Miami Heat Star Gets Caught Up in Crypto Scandal Because Who Needs Personal Responsibility When You Can Just Blame Binance

The cryptocurrency space is at it again, folks. This time we have NBA star Jimmy Butler and crypto YouTuber Ben Armstrong getting sued for promoting Binance's […]

Linda Williams August 22, 2024

An illustration of an eagle soaring upwards through clouds while its wings are engulfed by flames and smoke; at the base is a large anchor symbolizing stability. The background features two converging trendlines forming a triangle with BNB's price chart inside, indicating upward momentum but also potential for reversal due to bearish technical indicators. A few scattered short liquidation symbols float away from the eagle as it rises above them. In the distance, three figures are shown walking towards each other in unison while holding briefcases and wearing business attire;

BNB Price Skyrockets Because Clearly the Only Thing That Matters Is Binance’s Unwavering Commitment to Being Sued by Investors

The reason we're talking about Binance's compliance team is because they've been sued by three crypto investors who claim their assets were stolen due to lack […]

Sam Rogers August 22, 2024

An illustration: A judge sits at a desk with papers scattered around them; they hold up their hand to halt the flow of money pouring from one side of the room (labelled 'Employer') towards another (labelled 'Employee'); in the background, coins and banknotes are replaced by cryptocurrency symbols floating upwards. The scene is set against a cityscape at sunset with skyscrapers representing Dubai's skyline; people walk through streets below as they go about their daily business while looking up to see what’s happening above them.

Dubai Court Suddenly Realizes Crypto Isn’t Actually Made of Unicorn Tears and Decides It Can Be Used for Normal Things Like Paying People

It's about time Dubai caught up with the rest of us who think cryptocurrency is a scam! Who needs to be paid in crypto when it’s […]

Doug Martinez August 20, 2024

Binance: The Crypto Savior China Can’t Live Without, Literally

It seems like Binance is a real lifeboat for Chinese crypto enthusiasts! With over 96% of them using the exchange and almost two-thirds keeping their main […]

Doug Martinez August 20, 2024