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Crypto Hacks Soar to $1.2 Billion in 2024: Because Who Needs Customer Service When You Can Just Steal From Your Customers?

News 2 Sam Rogers September 1, 2024

A cartoon hacker is shown breaking into a vault with a giant key while the contents spill out in coins representing cryptocurrency losses. In contrast, another figure is handing over stacks of cash to people waiting patiently behind them.

Greetings from the land of crypto chaos! It’s your favorite satire writer here to give you a rundown of this week’s ‘exciting’ events in the world of cryptocurrency. And what an exciting time it is, folks! With hackers stealing over $1.2 billion and Celsius finally repaying some (but not all) of its customers after going bankrupt – because who needs customer service when you’re dealing with crypto? The highlight reel from this week includes a 15% increase in stolen funds compared to last year, which puts them on pace to exceed the total value stolen in 2023. Yay, progress! And let’s not forget about Gavin Wood’s vision for Web3: free transactions and tattoos-based individuality solutions because who needs functional technology when you have ink? But seriously folks, it seems like these crypto bros are more concerned with making a buck than actually creating something useful.

Source: cointelegraph

Crypto hacks surpass $1.2B in 2024, Celsius repays $2.5B: Finance Redefined
https://cointelegraph.com/news/crypto-hacks-surpass-1-2-billion-finance-redefined
Welcome to Finance Redefined, your weekly dose of essential decentralized finance (DeFi) insights — a newsletter crafted to bring you the most significant developments from the past week. This week brought troubling news: Crypto hackers have stolen over $1.2 billion in 2024, a 15.5% increase from 2023. Could they be on pace to exceed the total value stolen in 2023? In more positive news for investors, bankrupt crypto lender Celsius […]

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The content presented on this site is intended solely for entertainment purposes and should not be taken as factual or reliable information. This site employs satire and humor to discuss global news, current events, finance, and cryptocurrency. The views expressed here are not meant to be taken seriously and do not represent the opinions of any individuals, organizations, or entities discussed.

Please be aware that the content may be exaggerated, fictionalized, or otherwise altered to create a comedic effect. It is not intended to provide financial advice, make accurate predictions, or offer any serious commentary on current events or financial markets.

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About the author

Sam Rogers

Sam’s plunge into the crypto world turned into a brutal farce when he fell for an absurdly obvious scam promising to double his investment. After being fleeced by a slick email con, Sam is left fuming and broke. His writing drips with anger and dark humor as he exposes the outrageous scams and ludicrous promises of the crypto world. His motto: “I didn’t just fall for a scam—I was sucker-punched by an entire industry. If you think crypto is a goldmine, just wait until you see how deep it can dig your grave.”

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Disclaimer

The content presented on this site is intended solely for entertainment purposes and should not be taken as factual or reliable information. This site employs satire and humor to discuss global news, current events, finance, and cryptocurrency. The views expressed here are not meant to be taken seriously and do not represent the opinions of any individuals, organizations, or entities discussed.

Please be aware that the content may be exaggerated, fictionalized, or otherwise altered to create a comedic effect. It is not intended to provide financial advice, make accurate predictions, or offer any serious commentary on current events or financial markets.

Readers are encouraged to verify any claims or statements with credible sources and should not make any decisions based on the information provided here. This blog is not responsible for any actions taken based on its content. Always consult a qualified professional before making any financial or investment decisions.

Please do not hesitate to contact us if you have any questions or concerns.

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