Retail Investors

An illustration: A miner wearing a black hoodie with a red "R" emblem holding a large sack full of dirty laundry while running away from an approaching Russian police officer carrying a briefcase labeled 'Regulation' and another one chasing him with a megaphone. In the background, there's a cityscape at sunset with Bitcoin symbols scattered around buildings. The miner is surrounded by coins and money laundering signs are visible on his sack. He has a guilty look on his face while running away from the law enforcement officers who seem to be closing in on him.

Russian Crypto Miners Caught Red-Handed Laundering Their Dirty Laundry

Russian crypto miners are finally getting their act together - or at least trying to. A new bill regulating the industry has been approved by the […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration: A cartoonish image depicting two large mining machines facing each other with their arms crossed; one machine has a red flag and the other a blue flag; in front of them lies a pile of coins labeled '2.28 million'; both machines are surrounded by broken chains, suggesting tension or conflict; above the scene is an arrow pointing downwards to emphasize decline or fall. The illustration style should be reminiscent of comic books from the early 20th century with bold lines and vibrant colors used for dramatic effect.

Bitcoin

Riot Platforms Just Paid 2.28 Million Bucks to Own More of Bitfarms Because Theyre Literally Desperate

Riot Platforms has bought more shares from Bitfarms because it's going bankrupt or something - that’s the only reason any company buys another one out in […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

An illustration: A bespectacled man wearing a suit and tie sits at his desk surrounded by stacks of cash and cryptocurrency tokens as he holds up a large wad of money in one hand. In the background, an image of a piggy bank with its mouth open wide is visible through a window while on the wall opposite him hangs a framed picture showing a graph sharply increasing upwards indicating financial growth. The man's fingers are stained green from handling cash and his suit has several stains as well;

Crypto News

US Media Executive Caught Red Handed in $67 Million Cryptocurrency Money Laundering Scheme Because Who Needs Integrity When You Can Just Call It Fiat-to-Crypto

The crypto bros can't even keep their own house clean from scammers and now we have one running it like his personal piggybank! And what's next? […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration of a rocket ship blasting off into space with flames engulfing its base. The rocket is labeled as 'Solana' and has an arrow pointing upwards towards the moon while several smaller rockets are shown falling back to earth, some exploding in mid-air. In the background, there's a faint image of Ethereum layer-2 solutions represented by tiny stars shining brightly but not quite reaching Solana's trajectory. The overall atmosphere is one of excitement mixed with caution as the rocket ship soars higher into space.

Crypto News

Solana to Reach the Moon: Experts Predict a 98% Chance You’ve Already Made All Your Money Elsewhere

The eternal question: can a cryptocurrency go up? In this case, it's not just about whether Solana (SOL) will rise, but if it'll even get out […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration depicting a large supermarket filled to capacity with rows upon rows of graphics cards stacked high from floor to ceiling, surrounded by police tape and empty shopping carts scattered about; at center left stands an officer holding up one seized graphic card as another looks over their shoulder into the distance. In the background, two Chinese nationals in handcuffs are led away amidst a flurry of activity while onlookers watch with interest. The scene is bathed in dim light with shadows cast across the walls and floor, evoking a sense of foreboding and illicit activity.

Crypto News

Crypto Scams So Big They Need Their Own Supermarkets Now

The never-ending saga of gullible idiots throwing their money at crypto scams continues unabated! Who would have thought that a "supermarket used as a facade for […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration of the Bank of Russia's building with an old-fashioned clock on its facade showing 11:59 PM as it strikes midnight into a new year; in front of the bank is a large digital screen displaying cryptocurrency symbols (Bitcoin, Ethereum) amidst swirling dollar and euro signs. A faint image of Western sanctions can be seen being lifted off the ground by two people wearing suits with briefcases, while below them are stacks of cash flowing freely through pipes towards Russia's State Duma building in the background;

Crypto News

Russia to Finally Catch Up on 2017 Crypto Trend by Year-End Because Nothing Says ‘Economic Recovery’ Like a Central Bank Governor Saying Something Optimistic

Russia's latest move into cryptocurrency is as laughable as it gets - they're trying to use the one thing they can't control (because let’s be real, […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of an old man sitting alone in his dimly lit room surrounded by broken furniture and scattered papers with a single candle burning out; outside through the window is seen a dark stormy night sky filled with lightning flashes, while on the ground below lies a small pile of worthless coins amidst trash. The atmosphere conveys desperation and loss. In contrast to this scene, in another part of the room stands an old computer screen displaying charts that show sharp declines but also periods of growth;

Altcoins

Retail Mania for Cryptocurrency Is Almost Definitely Going to Destroy All of Your Life Savings and Leave You Crying in a Corner Like an Idiot

Oh boy, here we go again with another crypto bro trying to justify why his precious memecoins are going to last forever! Jelena Djuric is right […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration: A cartoon figure with a sly grin holding a bag full of money while standing in front of a broken piggy bank; he's surrounded by falling coins that are being swept away by an invisible force, leaving only dust behind. The background is filled with scattered memecoins and other cryptocurrency tokens. In the foreground, several celebrities' faces appear to be erased or scratched out from various advertisements and billboards. A faint image of a banned sign can be seen on one side, while another billboard displays a " Sold Out" notice in bold letters.

Crypto News

Sahil Arora Proves Being a Millionaire Is Not Hard When You’re Willing to Scam Your Way There

The crypto bros are at it again! This time they're promoting celebrity memecoins like there's no tomorrow (and honestly, who knows if there will be one […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration: A cartoon figure with a puzzled expression is shown holding an unlit matchstick; flames are erupting from behind him as if suddenly ignited; in the background there's a faint image of a digital clock ticking away rapidly. The character appears to be caught off guard by the fire, and his eyes widen in surprise while he takes a step back with one hand still grasping the matchstick. A subtle hint of smoke is rising from the flames as they engulf him; nearby are scattered papers or documents that seem to have been blown about by an unseen force.

Crypto News

CFTC Chairman Discovers Fire After Spending Decade Trying to Figure Out What Matches Are Made Of

Here's a summary that will make you laugh: The CFTC Chairman is finally catching on - Bitcoin and Ether are commodities, just like everyone else has […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration of a group of Japanese retail traders, dressed as samurai warriors from feudal Japan, standing together on a mountain peak with their backs to the viewer and looking out at a dramatic landscape below them in ruins; some are holding broken stocks certificates while others clutch empty sake bottles or hold hands up in despair. In the background, flames engulf Tokyo's skyscrapers amidst smoke billowing into the sky as if from an explosion. The traders' faces show shock, grief, and regret with tears streaming down their cheeks.

Crypto News

Margin Trading in Japan Is Basically Just One Big Group Therapy Session Now

The great Japanese stock market rout of '24, where millions lost their shirt and everyone else cried themselves to sleep at night. It's like a bad […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a giant CVS pharmacy building with its doors wide open and people fleeing from it as if running away from an explosion; in the background flames engulfing nearby buildings while smoke billows up into dark grey clouds. A figure dressed like Scott Ferguson, holding a briefcase and wearing sunglasses, stands at the entrance looking out over his kingdom of destruction. In one hand he holds a megaphone with which he is shouting to no one in particular;

Altcoins

Hedge Fund Billionaire Buys Up CVS Because Clearly We Need More Rich Guys Making Money Off Our Suffering

Well it looks like some hedge fund is trying to make a quick buck off CVS' recent woes - because that's exactly what we all need […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration depicting a chaotic internet landscape with multiple screens displaying different crypto prices in real-time amidst users arguing online; some screens show rising or falling trends while others display static images representing uncertainty. In the background, Ethereum (ETH) is shown as a central hub connecting various tokens through lines and nodes symbolizing their interconnectedness. A few figures are seen trying to navigate this complex environment with charts and graphs in hand, highlighting the importance of data analysis for accurate price forecasting.

Crypto News

Bitget Nansen Study Confirms Crypto Prices 100 Percent Influenced by Idiots Arguing on the Internet

The crypto bros will be thrilled to know their participation in online forums actually has an impact on something other than just proving how gullible they […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Cantor Fitzgerald Launches New Venture: We’re All Gonna Die in a Cryptocurrency Fireball of Our Own Making

The age-old question: how low can you go? It seems like every week there's a new entrant into this ridiculous space trying to make it sound […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

Crypto News

Crypto Masterminds of Mayhem Finally Caught Red-Handed With Bitcoin Burglars’ Bonus

Well well well! Another genius crypto bro gets caught with his hand in the cookie jar... or rather, another stupid home invasion scheme aimed at stealing […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Folks Are Losing Their Minds Over Trump’s Mysterious Ability to Count Past 2 on Crypto Polls

The crypto bros are at it again, this time predicting their precious Donald Trump's inevitable victory thanks to his "pro-bitcoin" stance. Oh please, like the guy […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration depicting an anxious-looking stock market graph with falling lines amidst swirling storm clouds, while below it lies a calm sea representing stability; nearby is a large hand reaching out to lower interest rates as indicated by the decreasing height of water levels. The image conveys uncertainty and potential relief through contrasting elements. A subtle hint at economic turmoil can be seen in the turbulent waves on the surface of the sea, yet they gradually subside with each passing moment, suggesting an impending rate cut that could stabilize markets.

Crypto News

Feds About to Make Another $10 Trillion in Exciting Rate Cuts That Will Totally Change Everything

And so we're back at it again with another thrilling episode of "Will The Fed Cut Rates?" - because what's more exciting than watching grown adults […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a rocket ship blasting off into space while leaving behind a trail of falling coins and dollar signs in its wake; at the top left corner is an image of a rising stock chart. The background features stylized images resembling city skylines with buildings shaped like cryptocurrency logos, set against a bright blue sky filled with fluffy white clouds that resemble money bags or piggy banks. In the foreground are scattered coins and dollar signs in various denominations, some partially buried under debris from the rocket's ascent;

Crypto News

Toncoin (TON): Because Who Needs Actual Value When You’ve Got a Fancy New Platform to Make People Lose Their Money On

The latest price surge in TON is just another example of how easily gullible idiots can be manipulated into buying worthless tokens based on empty promises […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration: A map of 32 US states with a red 'X' marked through it in each state where Binance US has lost its money transmitter license. In contrast, some other states are shown as green dots indicating they still have active licenses for the crypto exchange. The image also features an empty wallet and coins scattered around on the ground symbolizing financial losses due to non-compliance issues with regulatory requirements. A broken chain in the background represents a lack of trust among investors following Binance US' legal troubles involving former CEO Changpeng Zhao (CZ).

Bitcoin

Binance US: Because Losing Money Is Now a Legitimate Business Model in 32 States

And so it continues: Binance US – a crypto exchange that somehow manages to be worse than its already dodgy parent company - is having its […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration: A Brazilian flag-waving bull breaks free from a cage labeled with the words 'ETF' and 'Solana', charging towards an open gate marked 'Brazil'. In the background, other bulls are trapped behind locked gates. The sky is filled with rising arrows indicating growth while in the distance, a giant bear looms over the landscape of despair. A pennant-shaped ribbon flies above the bull's head bearing the number 200 and below it, another ribbon reads $145.

Crypto News

Brazil Poised to Launch World’s First Spot Solana ETF Into the Depths of Despair Where It Belongs

And here we go again with more crypto bro nonsense! A Brazilian ETF for a cryptocurrency that's been trading at an "all time low" (read: still […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

Crypto News

Aussie Court Gives Green Light for More People to Waste Their Money on Dubious Cryptocurrency Scheme and Still Get Screwed by Regulators

Australians are not getting richer off this stuff; they're just throwing good money after bad. The crypto bros will be ecstatic about this ruling but it […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration featuring an empty courtroom with three chairs at the front for defendants and one chair on either side. The defendant's seats are filled but their backs turned towards the judge while a single figure sits alone in each of the plaintiff's seats looking back at them. A large XRP symbol hangs from the ceiling above the judges bench, surrounded by fluttering papers with dollar signs printed on them. In the background, people can be seen walking away through doors and windows as if leaving an empty building.

Crypto News

Cryptocurrency Ponzi Scheme Still Not Entirely Immune From Accountability Lawsuits

So it looks like another day, another dollar spent on lawyers for all the crypto bros trying to make their fortunes off this ponzi scheme. The […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

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