Retail Investors

An illustration: A cartoon Dave Portnoy standing at an open window with money flying out of it; a large pile of cash is on the ground below him; he's looking down worriedly as bitcoin coins float upwards into the sky. In the background, there are falling dollar signs and broken chains to represent his loss of wealth due to cryptocurrency investments gone wrong. A faint image of Donald Trump can be seen in the distance with a rocket ship behind him, symbolizing Portnoy’s speculation about potential future gains if Trump wins the election;

Barstool’s Dave Portnoy Literally Throws Money Out the Window in Desperate Attempt to Be Relevant Again

And so another crypto bro has fallen for the hype! Dave Portnoy's got $60K BTC and can't get enough of it - poor guy must be […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration featuring a rocket blasting off into space amidst rising flames, surrounded by swirling clouds of cryptocurrency symbols (e.g., Bitcoin, Ethereum) as they merge and blend together. The background is a vibrant blue with subtle hints of green to convey growth and prosperity. In the foreground, smaller rockets are seen ascending in unison, symbolizing increasing adoption and competition within the DeFi derivatives market. A few scattered stars can be observed above, representing new innovations emerging from this space.

Crypto News

DeFi Market Soars to New Heights as Experts Warn You That This Time It Won’t Totally Collapse and We’ll Probably Get Rich Off of It if We Just Invest Now

The crypto bros are at it again! This time they're trying to convince us all about how DeFi is back from the dead (or was it […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Finder Says Bitcoin Will Definitely Not Be Worthless by 2030 Because We Have a Survey That Clearly Proves It

You want me to write about this Finder survey predicting that bitcoin will reach $87K by 2024? Please! The crypto bros have been saying it's going […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of a man (David Solomon) standing on one side of a seesaw with the other end occupied by a large pile of money bags labeled 'Goldman Sachs' while he is holding onto a small rock representing Bitcoin, struggling to keep it from falling off as his weight causes the see-saw to tip in favor of the gold coins. The man's face shows concern and determination but also slight desperation.

Bitcoin

Goldman Sachs CEO Still Hasn’t Figured Out Bitcoin Is a Joke That Will Eventually Stop Being Funny

The eternal optimism of the clueless! David Solomon still thinks Bitcoin might be around for a while longer before it inevitably crashes to zero (or at […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

US Senator Accidentally Types Out Entire Wikipedia Entry on Bitcoin While Trying to Sound Smart at Conference

The Bitcoin 2024 Conference is like a never-ending parade of clueless politicians trying to sound smart on cryptocurrency, but all they manage to do is make […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of a large suit-clad figure (Gary Gensler) standing in front of an open door with a sign that reads "Regulatory Rampage" above it. The figure is yelling at people running away from the doorway below him. In the background are several smaller figures representing different industries, including crypto and biotech, looking relieved as they walk towards a more stable-looking regulatory landscape marked by clear laws and predictable regulations. A large arrow points upwards to indicate an end to unchecked bureaucratic power.

Bitcoin

Chevron Deference Overturned: Supreme Court Finally Recognizes SEC Chair’s Regulatory Rampage Was Actually Just Him Wearing a Suit and Yelling at People

The Supreme Court's decision to overturn Chevron deference is a big win for common sense in the face of regulatory overreach by unelected bureaucrats like Gary […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration: A cartoon New York City skyline with a giant pyramid scheme bubble bursting above it; inside the cityscape are people from different ethnic backgrounds looking relieved as they walk away from falling cryptocurrency coins and dollar signs. In the foreground, two figures representing Attorney General Letitia James stand triumphantly holding a "Justice" banner while pointing at the shattered remains of the pyramid scheme bubble in the background.

Crypto News

New York Cracks Down on Crypto Pyramid Schemes Targeting Immigrants: It’s About Time the City Took Action Against Those Scammers Who Were Clearly Just Trying to Make a Quick Buck Off Unsuspecting New Yorkers

Well isn’t this just peachy? The crypto bros are getting what’s coming to them! Another day, another pyramid scheme falls apart. I mean seriously, how many […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration: A dark web marketplace scene with two men sitting behind computer screens. One man is holding a briefcase full of cryptocurrency while the other holds up a bag containing heroin, methamphetamine, cocaine and LSD packets. In the background, thousands of vendors' stalls are visible selling various illicit goods. The atmosphere is dimly lit with neon lights reflecting off wet pavement. A "for sale" sign hangs above each stall displaying items such as counterfeit currency, stolen credit card information, precious metals and cash.

Crypto News

US Charges Empire Market Operators for Selling Heroin and Stuff Online Because They Clearly Had Nothing Better to Do With Their Lives

Empire Market: where you can buy all your illicit goods with ease! Because what's better than buying heroin on the internet? I mean who needs face-to-face […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a large globe with many interconnected gears inside it; some gears have dollar signs on them while others appear broken or rusty; at the top, an AI robot is shown holding a key that unlocks one of the working gears which releases a small amount of money into space as other gears continue to spin and break. In the background, there are faint images of blockchain blocks being stacked up with some having dollar signs on them while others appear empty or have question marks over them;

Regulation/Negotiation

Decentralized Artificial Intelligence Platform Secures 43 Million Dollars Because That’s Exactly What the World Needed More Of

Well well well! Look at this mess of buzzwords: "Decentralized", "Artificial Intelligence", "Blockchain-based" - it's like a crypto bro vomited all over my keyboard! But seriously, […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

An illustration of the dollar bill with its face torn off and fleeing in fear from an explosion marked by red flames and smoke rising above it; a broken chain is seen at the bottom, releasing coins that are scattering away like confetti; nearby, various economic indicators such as inflation rates, interest yields, and stock market indices are shown on screens displaying downward trends. In the background, Tokyo's skyline can be seen with buildings marked by red lights indicating alarm or warning signals. The overall atmosphere is one of chaos and panic.

Crypto News

Dollar Sucks So Hard Now That Even the Most Basic Economic Concept Is Enough to Make It Flee for Cover

Another day another dollar drop! The world is finally realizing that the US economy isn't as rock solid as everyone thought it was. And what's causing […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a cartoon piggy bank with its mouth wide open as it's being blown away by strong winds while holding onto several balloons labeled 'Bitcoin', 'ETF' and '$188 million'. The background is filled with falling coins. In the distance, an image of Morgan Stanley can be seen in flames surrounded by smoke. A faint outline of a calendar shows June 30th highlighted. At the bottom left corner, there's a small piggy bank lying on its side spilling out money while crying tears made from dollar signs.

Altcoins

Morgan Stanley Blows Entire 401k Fund on Bitcoin Trust Because Who Needs Retirement Anyway

The gullible idiots are at it again! Morgan Stanley has apparently decided that throwing a few hundred million dollars into BlackRock's Bitcoin Trust is a good […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration: A cartoon figure with a defeated expression stands on top of a pile of broken blocks, surrounded by empty game boxes and discarded tokens; another character is shown walking away from the scene holding a Steam-like platform sign in one hand while looking back at the destroyed landscape. The background features a cityscape that resembles Web2 gaming hubs but now lies abandoned due to the decline of NFTs and blockchain games. A faint image of Donald Trump can be seen on a billboard, with Kanpai Pandas characters scattered around it;

Crypto News

Web3 Gaming Suffers Existential Crisis After Learning One More Web2 Company Failed

You know what's immutable? The fact that Immutable shut down its marketplace, because let's be real, it was a total failure. Who needs an NFT marketplace […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of an empty shopping cart with groceries scattered around it on the floor and a single egg lying broken in front. The background is filled with rising prices charts displayed as balloons floating away from each other. A person stands next to the cart looking frustrated, holding their head in despair. In the distance, people are seen walking away carrying bags of food but they're all wearing masks indicating high costs or inflation. Above them a large banner reads 'Inflation' while below it another one says 'Still Unaffordable'.

Crypto News

Inflation Suddenly Hits 3% and People Everywhere Realize They Still Can’t Afford Anything

Inflation is down, yay! I guess you can't call it 'inflated' anymore since prices are just moderately increasing. The average Joe will still be grumpy about […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a giant hand holding back seven smaller hands each with different state flags on their wrists as they try to reach for something in the distance while one large flag labeled "SEC" is shown pushing forward. The scene takes place amidst clouds and lightning bolts, conveying conflict and power struggle. In the background, there are broken chains and shattered glass representing resistance against authority. A stylized image of a cryptocurrency symbol (e.g., Bitcoin) floats above the chaos as if it's being protected by the smaller hands from the SEC hand trying to grasp it.

Bitcoin

Seven States About to Realize They Can’t Bully Grown Adults Who Have Better Things to Do Than Listen

The idiocy never ceases! Seven US States think they can take on the mighty SEC? It's almost cute how these yahoos believe their quaint little state […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

Crypto News

Singapore Court Orders Multichain to Give Fantom a Whole Lot of Money Because They Lost Count in Crypto Land

Let's get this over with already! Another day, another crypto company getting sued for its shoddy practices. This time it’s Multichain Foundation Ltd., which has been […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

An illustration of a central bank vault door with padlocks bursting open as cryptocurrency coins spill out into chaos below while in the background an old-fashioned postal box is seen being opened by a king's hand releasing modern digital currency symbols, amidst swirling clouds and lightning bolts striking down on both scenes. A Ghanaian flag waves above it all. The scene at the bottom depicts two contrasting worlds: one of traditional finance with coins spilling out from vaults in disarray;

Bitcoin

Cryptocurrency Exchanges Just Got Shut Down by the Most Unlikely Villain – Your Friendly Neighborhood Central Bank

So it seems like Bank of Ghana is finally catching on that cryptocurrency isn't just a bunch of hippies trading cat pictures online but rather an […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration of Goldman Sachs' headquarters with money bags overflowing from its windows onto the streets below where people are dancing and celebrating amidst confetti while Morgan Stanley's building stands nearby with empty pockets. A hedge fund manager is shown standing on top of it looking worried as a bitcoin symbol rises into the sky above them all, surrounded by rising arrows indicating growth. In the background, a cityscape at sunset glows warmly. The scene conveys excitement and optimism about investments in cryptocurrency despite volatility.

Bitcoin

Goldman Sachs Discloses $418 Million Bitcoin ETF Holdings Because Someone Finally Figured Out That Throwing Money at a Bubble Is Still Fun

The crypto bros are at it again! They're so excited about their precious Bitcoin that they can't even see what's right in front of them – […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a rocket ship blasting off into space with flames and smoke behind it; in front of the rocket is an arrow pointing upwards through a series of rising lines representing increasing prices. To one side are two falling arrows amidst broken chains suggesting losses or failures while on the other side, there's a growing mountain range symbolizing growth but also warning signs like exclamation marks above them indicating caution and uncertainty. The background has swirling clouds with lightning bolts hinting at turmoil in financial markets.

Bitcoin

Bitcoin Mania Ignites as Experts Warn You Will Probably Still Lose All Your Money

You know what's hilarious? People still trying to make money off this joke called cryptocurrency after all these years! Jamie Coutts thinks he’s some kind of […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a person holding a debit card with an explosion in the background representing volatility and chaos while they are smiling at a digital wallet on their phone that has a steady, calm landscape. The debit card is surrounded by coins and tokens floating around it as if being held together by some invisible force. In the foreground there's a faint image of a bank account statement showing significant losses due to crypto market fluctuations but still somehow connected to the person holding the debit card in their hand.

Crypto News

MetaMask Launches Pilot Self-Custody Debit Card Because Who Needs a Bank Account When You Can Lose All Your Money to Crypto Volatility

The great unwashed masses are at it again! Who needs a bank account when you can have your very own self-custody debit card? MetaMask has partnered […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

An illustration of an overflowing toilet with $81 million dollars being flushed away down into dark waters below while above two coins (Bitcoin & Ethereum) look worried as they watch their money disappear from under them; the background is filled with dollar signs and financial charts. In the distance a small boat made out of ETFs sails towards calm seas, but it's too late for Bitcoin to catch up. The atmosphere is tense and chaotic. A faint image of Grayscale’s GBTC can be seen sinking into the depths below as Fidelity’s FBTC tries to grab onto its life jacket in desperation.

Crypto News

Bitcoin Bites Back: 81 Million Reasons to Stay Away From That Overhyped, Worthless Number Soup

Cryptocurrency continues its downward spiral into obscurity as more people realize it's just a bunch of worthless numbers floating around on computers created by nothing but […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

An illustration of a gear turning into an infinity symbol while surrounded by swirling cryptocurrency values with some assets rising and others falling but all stabilizing around the central infinity symbol which represents Gearbox Protocol's aim at establishing itself as the leverage layer for the entire DeFi ecosystem, enhancing asset utilization while providing users with more flexibility and opportunities within the DeFi space. The gear is depicted in a futuristic style with neon lights reflecting off its metallic surface, conveying a sense of innovation and cutting-edge technology.

Bitcoin

Leverage Your Way Into Oblivion With This Super Cool New Crypto Thingamajig That Will Totally Not Bankrupt You

It's time again to talk about some crypto nonsense - specifically a new protocol called Gearbox Protocol which promises to unlock greater access to capital across […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

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We are the internet’s finest destination for poking fun at the wild world of cryptocurrency! We transform the bewildering jargon and frantic hype of the crypto market into a comedy spectacle that’s almost as volatile as crypto itself.