Retail Investors

An illustration of a sinking ship with moneybags floating away from it in all directions, while investors stand at the bow looking worried; nearby, a giant whale is swimming upwards out of the water, leaving behind a trail of coins that are being swept up by smaller fish representing market makers and analysts. In the background, a cityscape fades into darkness as interest rates rise on TradingView charts hovering above the scene like ghostly apparitions

Ether Price Plummeting Due to Totally Not a Coincidence That Massive $420 Million Was Suddenly Withdrawn From It by Investors Who Clearly Had Nothing Better to Do With Their Money

Linda Williams August 19, 2024

An illustration of a Brazilian flag being pulled apart by two opposing forces: one force is holding onto it with a traditional payment rail (SWIFT) rope tied around their waist while another force holds onto USDC stablecoin ropes, both trying to pull in opposite directions as they stand on either side of the Rio Grande river. The background features Latin American countries and cities represented by tiny flags waving gently in the wind. A small boat sails across the river carrying a crate labeled "Cross Border Payments".

Cross Border Payments Just Got 8.5 Million Times More Complicated Using a Stablecoin That’ll Make You Wonder Why We’re Still Talking About This in the First Place

Another day, another crypto bros' wet dream about making cross-border payments easier with USDC - because nothing says "easy" like using a stablecoin that's only useful […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

Crypto News

PWC China’s Regulatory Nightmare Is a Golden Opportunity for Their Arch-Nemesis Ey and KPMG to Steal All the Clients With Cash on Hand While PWC Fumbles

It seems like PwC's China operation is in a bit of hot water, with over half its corporate clients jumping ship after regulators started investigating their […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a large yacht with its sails filled by wind blowing through bitcoin symbols; below it lies an island covered in greenery representing nature restored from environmental damage caused by human actions; on one side stands RFK Jr. looking out at the sea while holding up a small globe, and on the other side is a person planting trees as birds fly overhead symbolizing hope for a better future. In the background are faint outlines of cities with smokestacks replaced by wind turbines generating clean energy. The yacht's name 'Hope' is written in bold letters across its stern.

Crypto News

RFK Jr’s Cryptocurrency Crusade Will Save the World From Itself and Also Give Him a Sweet New Yacht

And here we go again - a politician trying to ride the crypto bandwagon for his own gain. How quaint! RFK Jr.'s promises are as hollow […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration of a person standing at the edge of a cliff overlooking an ocean with waves crashing below; they hold a large stack of coins that seem to be slipping through their fingers into the sea as some float away on the water's surface. The figure is surrounded by scattered coins and debris from what appears to have been a shipwreck, suggesting loss or failure in one part of their business while others are thriving nearby. In contrast, other stacks of coins remain intact near them but slightly out of reach, hinting at potential gains yet untapped.

Crypto News

Coinshares: Where Losing Money Is Just Part of Their Business Plan to Make More Money

The great news just keeps rolling out for Coinshares! Another quarter, another profit from their dubious dealings with crypto companies that inevitably go bankrupt. I mean […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration: A large squid (Kraken) wrapped around a seesaw with one side labeled 'SEC' and the other side labeled 'Regulation', both sides are sinking into the ocean as they struggle to balance, in the background there's an image of Congress debating on a ship. The squid has its tentacles holding onto two digital assets floating above the water: Bitcoin and Ethereum. In the distance, a school of fish swim away from the chaos with dollar signs attached to their fins. A faint outline of Monday morning traffic can be seen in the background through the ocean's surface.

Crypto News

Kraken Proves That Existence of Intangibles Is Just a Social Construct and Also It’s Monday

I bet you're itching for some juicy commentary on this one! Let's get straight to it. In case anyone was still holding out hope, Kraken’s recent […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration: A large-scale image showing an abstract representation of regulatory uncertainty with unclear rules floating above it like clouds; in contrast, below these clouds lies a clear pathway representing clarity and order. The cloudy area is filled with various obstacles such as hurdles, pitfalls, and question marks that are being navigated by figures resembling digital asset companies or investors who appear uncertain about their next steps due to the lack of defined regulations.

Crypto News

Coinbase Just Realized the SEC Actually Knows What It’s Doing With Digital Assets

You want to know about cryptocurrency? Well let me tell you something it's just numbers on a computer created from nothing! It has no inherent value. […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of an empty wallet with dollar signs falling out as it sinks into quicksand below; nearby, a large hole is visible where more money has been sucked down; above, several other wallets float on the surface but appear to be losing air and slowly descending. In the background, two figures in suits are shown arguing over which one of them should have invested their clients' funds in Bitcoin ETFs instead of actual profits. The scene takes place at sunset with a faint orange glow illuminating everything except for the dark hole below where all the money has disappeared.

Crypto News

Bitcoin ETFs: Because Who Needs Actual Profits When You Can Have a Nice Big Hole in Your Wallet That Just Keeps Getting Deeper and Bigger

The eternal optimism surrounding US bitcoin ETFs continues unabated! Because what's not to be optimistic about? The fact that these funds have lost an eye-watering $18.3 […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

National Bitcoin Stockpiling: Because Nothing Says ‘Stable Economy’ Like Hoarding Digital Tokens That Will Probably Be Worth Less Than the Paper They’re Printed on by 2025

The eternal optimism of Senator Bill Hagerty, still clinging onto the hope that cryptocurrency might one day become more than just a playground for speculators and […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration of an empty dance floor with two chairs at its center; one chair has a name tag reading 'ETHTEH' while the other is labeled as 'My Aunt'; both chairs have Jell-O shots on their tables and are surrounded by scattered party decorations. The walls behind them feature faded graffiti that reads "Party's Over" in bold letters, with broken balloons hanging from above; at floor level a trail of spilled drinks leads out into darkness. In the background, an abandoned DJ booth stands silent amidst discarded music equipment.

Crypto News

ETHTEH Is Down Like My Aunt at the Family Reunion After One Too Many Jell-O Shots

The crypto bros can't catch a break! It seems like Grayscale's ETHE has hemorrhaged $2 billion in just 9 trading days - that's some impressive bleeding […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

Altcoins

Crypto Bro’s Delight: Judge Lowers SEC Hammer by 94% in XRP Case Frenzy, Garlinghouse Still Rich

Ripple's CEO Brad Garlinghouse must have been counting his chickens before they hatched because now that he has won this case - or rather had it […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

An illustration of an abandoned factory with broken windows and overgrown vegetation in front of a cityscape at sunset; a large tree grows out of the rooftop where birds are nesting; smoke rises from the chimney as if there is still activity inside, but it's unclear what that might be. In contrast to the decaying structure on one side, sleek skyscrapers stand tall and modern across the street with people walking by in suits or business attire, seemingly unaware of the factory’s presence. The sky above transitions into a deep orange hue as night begins to fall;

Crypto News

ZKX Shutdown: Because Who Needs Transparency When You Have Three Million Tokens Waiting to Be Sold

It seems like another day in crypto land where something utterly predictable happens and people are shocked - SHOCKED! - that it did so. ZKX shutting […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Bitcoin Spot ETFs Prove to Be Only Slightly Less Volatile Than a Hot Mess of Spilled Cheetos on Black Friday

The eternal dance between investors and their crypto toys continues, with a net inflow of $11M into Bitcoin spot ETFs on Aug 15th. Meanwhile, GBTC loses […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration depicting a Ronin bridge with its gates wide open as if inviting users to withdraw funds without signatures; in the background, a hacker's hand can be seen holding an MEV bot "Frontrunner Yoink" which has successfully drained over $10 million worth of cryptocurrency from the bridge. The scene is set at night under dim moonlight and stars with dark clouds looming above as if foretelling impending doom. A faint image of Axie Infinity's monster can be seen in the distance, a reminder that Ronin hosts Web3 games like this popular title.

Altcoins

Ronin Bridge Hacked Because Someone Clearly Needed a Second Caffeine-Fueled Coding Session

The Ronin bridge hack was a perfect example of how cryptocurrency can fail in spectacular fashion when not properly managed. The fact that an error in […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

Crypto News

SEC Charges Bitclout Founder With Multi-Million-Dollar Crypto Fraud Because One Guy Named Nader Was Too Busy Being Diamondhands to Pay His Taxes

Well it seems like another day, another crypto bro busted by the authorities! I'm not surprised in the least that Nader Al-Naji's multi-million-dollar scheme was exposed […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Coinbase Is About to Release the Most Overhyped Token Since Dogecoin 2: Electric Boogaloo

Oh joy, another "revolutionary" token that will supposedly change everything in cryptocurrency and make all our wildest dreams come true. Let's see how long this one […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of an ascending graph with green bars representing growth, surrounded by dollar signs and coins floating upwards; at the top left corner is a globe with a rising line connecting it to the chart below; on the right side there's a building in the background that resembles a financial institution. In front of this structure are several people from different ethnicities holding briefcases or laptops while walking towards the graph, conveying movement and growth. The overall atmosphere is one of optimism and expansion.

Crypto News

$110M Added to Tokenised Treasuries Because Who Doesn’t Want a Piece of the Action and Also It’s Not Like They’re Just Printing More Money or Anything

The tokenized Treasury market has seen some growth since July 9th. $110 million added over five weeks isn't exactly setting records for crypto's usual "get rich […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Bitcoin Funding Rates Hit New Yearly Lows Because All the Cool Kids Are Trading Dogecoin Now

Well well well, looks like the Bitcoin party is over folks! Funding rates on Binance just reached their lowest point of the year, signaling that everyone's […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a man standing on one side with his feet firmly planted in two different worlds. One world is filled with gold coins, precious jewels, and shining stars while the other is darkened with broken currency notes scattered all around him. He looks down at both sides before taking a step forward into the brighter world where he's surrounded by happy people holding hands together under an arch of rising suns. In his hand, he holds up three shiny coins - one gold, one silver and one bitcoin symbol.

Bitcoin

Robert Kiyosaki Still Has No Idea What He’s Doing With His Money

Another day another delusional rich person spewing their nonsense about cryptocurrency! Robert Kiyosaki is one of those guys who thinks he's a financial guru just because […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of an old-fashioned alarm clock ringing with its hands pointing at midnight on July 17th and August 14th respectively; a rising graph behind the clock showing institutional adoption growing while retail investors remain steady below; in the background Bitcoin's price is shown dropping from above $60k to under it. The scene fades into darkness as an old-fashioned key turns, unlocking a door with 'ETF inflows' written on it but remains locked. A faint light shines through the crack of the door showing money flowing out instead of in.

Bitcoin

Bitcoin Mania: Institutions Finally Figure Out What Everyone Knew in 2014

The institutional adoption of spot Bitcoin exchange-traded funds (ETFs) is up again! Whoop-de-doo. Institutional investors are still only holding a paltry 18.7% of total ETF assets […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of two figures: one dressed as a millionaire with gold coins spilling out from his pockets, standing next to an overflowing treasure chest; another figure wearing casual clothes holding a small wallet and looking at the ground. The background is filled with dollar signs swirling around them in different directions. A large coin splits between both characters but leans towards the wealthy individual. In contrast, one of the figures' shoes has fallen off while trying to keep up with their wealthier counterpart's pace.

Crypto News

Crypto Bro Millionaires Made More Money Than Average Joe on Thursday but Only if You Count Losses as a Form of Income

The never-ending saga of crypto bros trying to make money off their precious cryptocurrencies continues. Thursday was no exception as US Bitcoin ETFs somehow managed to […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

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We are the internet’s finest destination for poking fun at the wild world of cryptocurrency! We transform the bewildering jargon and frantic hype of the crypto market into a comedy spectacle that’s almost as volatile as crypto itself.