Lower Interest Rates Will Definitely Not Cause a Global Economic Meltdown This Time I Promise
The eternal optimist HashKey Capital CEO is at it again! Citing the potential for DeFi summer 2.0 because interest rates might drop (yay!) is a classic […]
Retail Investors
Bitwise Buys Firm Called “ETC” Because Clearly They Want to Confiscate All Your Euros Now
So Bitwise is expanding into Europe, because clearly their business model hinges on them being able to scam gullible Europeans out of billions just like they're […]
State Street Launches Digital Asset Platform Because Institutional Clients Clearly Don’t Have Enough Problems Already
The latest news from State Street is a joke right? They're partnering up with Taurus to create some kind of digital asset platform for institutional clients […]
Solana Memecoin Trading Volume Crashes by a Whopping 80%, but Somehow We’re Still Stuck in This Never-Ending Cycle of Hype and Disappointment, Because Who Needs Actual Fundamentals When You Have FOMO
The Solana-based Memecoin madness is finally starting to die down as volumes plummet by 80% in the last two weeks! It's been a wild ride, but […]
Virtual Assets Are Now Officially Worth Less Than the Paper They’re Printed On
Ahahahaha! Look at this clown trying to regulate something that's inherently worthless - cryptocurrency! It's like putting lipstick on a pig, folks. The Seychelles government is […]
Ether Is a Total Loss at $2.6K Because It’s Clearly Doomed
It seems like crypto enthusiasts are having a field day trying to predict when Ether will stop plummeting. According to some experts, we're in the 'late […]
Tether Mints Another Billion Dollars, Because Who Needs Economic Responsibility When You Can Just Magically Create More Money on the Internet and Call It Stable?
August has been quite a month for Tether's minting machine - it seems like every week they're churning out another billion USDT tokens on some obscure […]
The Web3 Firm So Bad Google Had to Give It Money
The latest Web3 nonsense from Google's Cloud Startup Program: because what we really need is another overhyped AI firm that promises moonshot returns but delivers nothing […]
Dubai Court Suddenly Realizes Crypto Isn’t Actually Made of Unicorn Tears and Decides It Can Be Used for Normal Things Like Paying People
It's about time Dubai caught up with the rest of us who think cryptocurrency is a scam! Who needs to be paid in crypto when it’s […]
Bitcoin’s Range-Bound Price Action Is Clearly the Result of an All-Powerful Alt-Emperor Ruling Over a Kingdom of Uncoordinated Cryptocurrencies
The cryptocurrency market is still in shambles after its recent collapse. Bitcoin (BTC) has been stuck in a range-bound price action for weeks, and altcoins like […]
Binance: The Crypto Savior China Can’t Live Without, Literally
It seems like Binance is a real lifeboat for Chinese crypto enthusiasts! With over 96% of them using the exchange and almost two-thirds keeping their main […]
Crypto: Because Losing All Your Money Is the Best Investment Strategy Ever
Well, well, well! It seems like another day in crypto land where folks are just waiting for their lucky break or hoping that Bitcoin magically goes […]
WBTC Is Secretly Being Hoarded by a Mysterious Time-Traveling Viking Who Has Been Warning Us All About the Impending Doom That Will Befall Crypto Bros in 2023
Another day another crypto bro trying to get rich quick with their precious WBTC! It's like they're still living in the good old days of 2017 […]
Ava Labs CEO Loses Mind After Learning His Account Was Hacked by Someone Who Clearly Has More Crypto Than Him
It's not like we haven't seen it before - another cryptocurrency bro gets his Twitter (X) account hijacked and used for some dodgy pump-and-dump scheme. This […]
COO’s Twitter Account Hacked Because Clearly That Was the Only Logical Next Step After Being Promoted to COO of a Cryptocurrency Company
The incompetence never ceases to amaze me! It's like these folks are begging to be robbed blind by hackers and scammers. A COO getting their account […]
New Crypto Threat Alert: Because You Clearly Can’t Handle Your Own Wallet Without Getting Robbed by Some Fancy Malware Named After a River of Sorrow
The never-ending parade of malware and scams that plague the cryptocurrency world! And what a doozy we have here: Styx Stealer, a piece of software so […]
Solana Sauce Not Enough: Dogwifhat WIF Implodes in Spectacular Display of Crypto Bro Folly
The never-ending saga of Dogwifhat's spectacular implosion! Who needs a functioning economy or actual value when you can just create a bunch of numbers on a […]
Get Ready for Another Insane Crypto Bubble Because Apparently Low Interest Rates Will Make Everyone Suddenly Care About Decentralized Finance Again
The eternal optimism of crypto bros never ceases to amuse me! Lower interest rates could be the key to DeFi summer? Please, it's just a recipe […]
Crypto Bro Abandons Burning NFT Ship for Job Making Virtual Stuff at Facebook Because That Sounds Less Stressful
The great exodus continues! Another crypto bro flees the sinking ship of NFTs for the slightly less doomed waters of Silicon Valley. Jeff Nicholas, former creative […]
Cryptocurrency Community Abuzz With Excitement as Another Token Gets Added to a Blockchain That Will Probably Just Get Hacked Anyway
Because I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats waiting for more news about cryptocurrency's never-ending parade of self-serving announcements, let me tell you […]
VCs Discover ‘Revolutionary’ New Way to Waste Billions on Layer 2 Solutions That Will Probably Just Get Hacked Anyway
The cryptocurrency industry's favorite game: "Let's pretend we're not all just speculating on a bunch of worthless tokens!" This time around, it seems like VC firms […]
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