Regulation/Negotiation

Crypto Bro’s Delight: Judge Lowers SEC Hammer by 94% in XRP Case Frenzy, Garlinghouse Still Rich

Ripple's CEO Brad Garlinghouse must have been counting his chickens before they hatched because now that he has won this case - or rather had it […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

An illustration of an abandoned factory with broken windows and overgrown vegetation in front of a cityscape at sunset; a large tree grows out of the rooftop where birds are nesting; smoke rises from the chimney as if there is still activity inside, but it's unclear what that might be. In contrast to the decaying structure on one side, sleek skyscrapers stand tall and modern across the street with people walking by in suits or business attire, seemingly unaware of the factory’s presence. The sky above transitions into a deep orange hue as night begins to fall;

Crypto News

ZKX Shutdown: Because Who Needs Transparency When You Have Three Million Tokens Waiting to Be Sold

It seems like another day in crypto land where something utterly predictable happens and people are shocked - SHOCKED! - that it did so. ZKX shutting […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Bitcoin Spot ETFs Prove to Be Only Slightly Less Volatile Than a Hot Mess of Spilled Cheetos on Black Friday

The eternal dance between investors and their crypto toys continues, with a net inflow of $11M into Bitcoin spot ETFs on Aug 15th. Meanwhile, GBTC loses […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration depicting a Ronin bridge with its gates wide open as if inviting users to withdraw funds without signatures; in the background, a hacker's hand can be seen holding an MEV bot "Frontrunner Yoink" which has successfully drained over $10 million worth of cryptocurrency from the bridge. The scene is set at night under dim moonlight and stars with dark clouds looming above as if foretelling impending doom. A faint image of Axie Infinity's monster can be seen in the distance, a reminder that Ronin hosts Web3 games like this popular title.

Altcoins

Ronin Bridge Hacked Because Someone Clearly Needed a Second Caffeine-Fueled Coding Session

The Ronin bridge hack was a perfect example of how cryptocurrency can fail in spectacular fashion when not properly managed. The fact that an error in […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

Crypto News

SEC Charges Bitclout Founder With Multi-Million-Dollar Crypto Fraud Because One Guy Named Nader Was Too Busy Being Diamondhands to Pay His Taxes

Well it seems like another day, another crypto bro busted by the authorities! I'm not surprised in the least that Nader Al-Naji's multi-million-dollar scheme was exposed […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Coinbase Is About to Release the Most Overhyped Token Since Dogecoin 2: Electric Boogaloo

Oh joy, another "revolutionary" token that will supposedly change everything in cryptocurrency and make all our wildest dreams come true. Let's see how long this one […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of an ascending graph with green bars representing growth, surrounded by dollar signs and coins floating upwards; at the top left corner is a globe with a rising line connecting it to the chart below; on the right side there's a building in the background that resembles a financial institution. In front of this structure are several people from different ethnicities holding briefcases or laptops while walking towards the graph, conveying movement and growth. The overall atmosphere is one of optimism and expansion.

Crypto News

$110M Added to Tokenised Treasuries Because Who Doesn’t Want a Piece of the Action and Also It’s Not Like They’re Just Printing More Money or Anything

The tokenized Treasury market has seen some growth since July 9th. $110 million added over five weeks isn't exactly setting records for crypto's usual "get rich […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Bitcoin Funding Rates Hit New Yearly Lows Because All the Cool Kids Are Trading Dogecoin Now

Well well well, looks like the Bitcoin party is over folks! Funding rates on Binance just reached their lowest point of the year, signaling that everyone's […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a man standing on one side with his feet firmly planted in two different worlds. One world is filled with gold coins, precious jewels, and shining stars while the other is darkened with broken currency notes scattered all around him. He looks down at both sides before taking a step forward into the brighter world where he's surrounded by happy people holding hands together under an arch of rising suns. In his hand, he holds up three shiny coins - one gold, one silver and one bitcoin symbol.

Bitcoin

Robert Kiyosaki Still Has No Idea What He’s Doing With His Money

Another day another delusional rich person spewing their nonsense about cryptocurrency! Robert Kiyosaki is one of those guys who thinks he's a financial guru just because […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of an old-fashioned alarm clock ringing with its hands pointing at midnight on July 17th and August 14th respectively; a rising graph behind the clock showing institutional adoption growing while retail investors remain steady below; in the background Bitcoin's price is shown dropping from above $60k to under it. The scene fades into darkness as an old-fashioned key turns, unlocking a door with 'ETF inflows' written on it but remains locked. A faint light shines through the crack of the door showing money flowing out instead of in.

Bitcoin

Bitcoin Mania: Institutions Finally Figure Out What Everyone Knew in 2014

The institutional adoption of spot Bitcoin exchange-traded funds (ETFs) is up again! Whoop-de-doo. Institutional investors are still only holding a paltry 18.7% of total ETF assets […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of two figures: one dressed as a millionaire with gold coins spilling out from his pockets, standing next to an overflowing treasure chest; another figure wearing casual clothes holding a small wallet and looking at the ground. The background is filled with dollar signs swirling around them in different directions. A large coin splits between both characters but leans towards the wealthy individual. In contrast, one of the figures' shoes has fallen off while trying to keep up with their wealthier counterpart's pace.

Crypto News

Crypto Bro Millionaires Made More Money Than Average Joe on Thursday but Only if You Count Losses as a Form of Income

The never-ending saga of crypto bros trying to make money off their precious cryptocurrencies continues. Thursday was no exception as US Bitcoin ETFs somehow managed to […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration: A cartoon Dave Portnoy standing at an open window with money flying out of it; a large pile of cash is on the ground below him; he's looking down worriedly as bitcoin coins float upwards into the sky. In the background, there are falling dollar signs and broken chains to represent his loss of wealth due to cryptocurrency investments gone wrong. A faint image of Donald Trump can be seen in the distance with a rocket ship behind him, symbolizing Portnoy’s speculation about potential future gains if Trump wins the election;

Bitcoin

Barstool’s Dave Portnoy Literally Throws Money Out the Window in Desperate Attempt to Be Relevant Again

And so another crypto bro has fallen for the hype! Dave Portnoy's got $60K BTC and can't get enough of it - poor guy must be […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration featuring a rocket blasting off into space amidst rising flames, surrounded by swirling clouds of cryptocurrency symbols (e.g., Bitcoin, Ethereum) as they merge and blend together. The background is a vibrant blue with subtle hints of green to convey growth and prosperity. In the foreground, smaller rockets are seen ascending in unison, symbolizing increasing adoption and competition within the DeFi derivatives market. A few scattered stars can be observed above, representing new innovations emerging from this space.

Crypto News

DeFi Market Soars to New Heights as Experts Warn You That This Time It Won’t Totally Collapse and We’ll Probably Get Rich Off of It if We Just Invest Now

The crypto bros are at it again! This time they're trying to convince us all about how DeFi is back from the dead (or was it […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Finder Says Bitcoin Will Definitely Not Be Worthless by 2030 Because We Have a Survey That Clearly Proves It

You want me to write about this Finder survey predicting that bitcoin will reach $87K by 2024? Please! The crypto bros have been saying it's going […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of a man (David Solomon) standing on one side of a seesaw with the other end occupied by a large pile of money bags labeled 'Goldman Sachs' while he is holding onto a small rock representing Bitcoin, struggling to keep it from falling off as his weight causes the see-saw to tip in favor of the gold coins. The man's face shows concern and determination but also slight desperation.

Bitcoin

Goldman Sachs CEO Still Hasn’t Figured Out Bitcoin Is a Joke That Will Eventually Stop Being Funny

The eternal optimism of the clueless! David Solomon still thinks Bitcoin might be around for a while longer before it inevitably crashes to zero (or at […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

US Senator Accidentally Types Out Entire Wikipedia Entry on Bitcoin While Trying to Sound Smart at Conference

The Bitcoin 2024 Conference is like a never-ending parade of clueless politicians trying to sound smart on cryptocurrency, but all they manage to do is make […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of a large suit-clad figure (Gary Gensler) standing in front of an open door with a sign that reads "Regulatory Rampage" above it. The figure is yelling at people running away from the doorway below him. In the background are several smaller figures representing different industries, including crypto and biotech, looking relieved as they walk towards a more stable-looking regulatory landscape marked by clear laws and predictable regulations. A large arrow points upwards to indicate an end to unchecked bureaucratic power.

Bitcoin

Chevron Deference Overturned: Supreme Court Finally Recognizes SEC Chair’s Regulatory Rampage Was Actually Just Him Wearing a Suit and Yelling at People

The Supreme Court's decision to overturn Chevron deference is a big win for common sense in the face of regulatory overreach by unelected bureaucrats like Gary […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration: A cartoon New York City skyline with a giant pyramid scheme bubble bursting above it; inside the cityscape are people from different ethnic backgrounds looking relieved as they walk away from falling cryptocurrency coins and dollar signs. In the foreground, two figures representing Attorney General Letitia James stand triumphantly holding a "Justice" banner while pointing at the shattered remains of the pyramid scheme bubble in the background.

Crypto News

New York Cracks Down on Crypto Pyramid Schemes Targeting Immigrants: It’s About Time the City Took Action Against Those Scammers Who Were Clearly Just Trying to Make a Quick Buck Off Unsuspecting New Yorkers

Well isn’t this just peachy? The crypto bros are getting what’s coming to them! Another day, another pyramid scheme falls apart. I mean seriously, how many […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

An illustration of a Secret Service agent, dressed in black tactical gear with sunglasses on, standing over a cryptocurrency exchange terminal that has been hacked into by cyber thieves who are depicted as cartoonish figures running away from the scene amidst explosions and flames; the background is darkened to emphasize the action. The agent's hand holds an axe-like tool used for hacking electronic devices while their other arm points towards the fleeing hackers, conveying authority over a chaotic situation.

Altcoins

US Senate Introduces Bill to Unleash Fierce Fury Upon Crypto Bro Wannabes

Well, isn't that just peachy? The crypto bros are finally getting what's coming to them - a good ol' fashioned beatdown from the US Secret Service! […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration: A dark web marketplace scene with two men sitting behind computer screens. One man is holding a briefcase full of cryptocurrency while the other holds up a bag containing heroin, methamphetamine, cocaine and LSD packets. In the background, thousands of vendors' stalls are visible selling various illicit goods. The atmosphere is dimly lit with neon lights reflecting off wet pavement. A "for sale" sign hangs above each stall displaying items such as counterfeit currency, stolen credit card information, precious metals and cash.

Crypto News

US Charges Empire Market Operators for Selling Heroin and Stuff Online Because They Clearly Had Nothing Better to Do With Their Lives

Empire Market: where you can buy all your illicit goods with ease! Because what's better than buying heroin on the internet? I mean who needs face-to-face […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a large globe with many interconnected gears inside it; some gears have dollar signs on them while others appear broken or rusty; at the top, an AI robot is shown holding a key that unlocks one of the working gears which releases a small amount of money into space as other gears continue to spin and break. In the background, there are faint images of blockchain blocks being stacked up with some having dollar signs on them while others appear empty or have question marks over them;

Regulation/Negotiation

Decentralized Artificial Intelligence Platform Secures 43 Million Dollars Because That’s Exactly What the World Needed More Of

Well well well! Look at this mess of buzzwords: "Decentralized", "Artificial Intelligence", "Blockchain-based" - it's like a crypto bro vomited all over my keyboard! But seriously, […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

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