Ethereum

Tether Mints Another Billion Dollars, Because Who Needs Economic Responsibility When You Can Just Magically Create More Money on the Internet and Call It Stable?

August has been quite a month for Tether's minting machine - it seems like every week they're churning out another billion USDT tokens on some obscure […]

Doug Martinez August 20, 2024

Binance: The Crypto Savior China Can’t Live Without, Literally

It seems like Binance is a real lifeboat for Chinese crypto enthusiasts! With over 96% of them using the exchange and almost two-thirds keeping their main […]

Doug Martinez August 20, 2024

An illustration of a clock striking midnight with its hands frozen at 12:00 and a calendar page torn out showing August; three clocks shattered on the ground below; a faint image of a stock exchange ticker in the background displaying "WITHDRAWN" in red letters, as two figures (one representing NYSE American and Nasdaq International Securities Exchange) walk away from the wreckage

NYSE, Nasdaq Succumb to Existential Dread, Withdraw 3 More Requests for Crypto ETF Options Rule Changes Because Clearly They Were Never Going to Get It Together Anyway

The great crypto dance continues! It's like a never-ending episode of "Swan Lake" out there, with exchanges and regulators twirling around each other in a delicate […]

Doug Martinez August 19, 2024

An illustration of a plummeting stock market graph with falling arrows and dollar signs scattered around it, while a lone figure stands at the bottom looking up at a distant mountain range labeled "Expectations", but instead shows only rocks and dust in place where a shiny new toy would be expected. The sky above is darkened by clouds shaped like money bags that are bursting open to reveal empty pockets inside

Ethereum Investors Left Reeling After Breathtaking 26% Price Drop Because Apparently You Cant Just Print More Money and Expect Everyone to Keep Buying Your Shiny New Toy

The great Ethereum ETF experiment has officially ended with a whimper, not a bang. It's like watching a friend invest all their savings into Beanie Babies […]

Doug Martinez August 19, 2024

An illustration of two figures standing back-to-back facing opposite directions: one figure surrounded by inflating balloons labeled with dollar signs while the other is engulfed in flames amidst sinking coins; both figures stand on either side of a large scale weighing their assets. In the background, a cityscape represents market fluctuations and volatility

Crypto Bros Reveal Their Secret to Not Losing All Their Money (Yet): $36M Flocks to Bitcoin ETFs While Ethereum Funds Go Down in Flames

The never-ending saga of crypto bros throwing their money at anything that promises them riches. And what's more promising than Bitcoin ETFs? Apparently, they're like lottery […]

Sam Rogers August 19, 2024

An illustration of two skyscrapers representing Blackrock and Grayscale standing side by side with increasing height gauges behind them; one gauge is slightly ahead but rapidly closing as coins (representing digital assets) flow into the other building's collection bucket at a faster rate than its competitor, while in the background, smaller buildings symbolizing rival companies are shown receding

Blackrock Makes Groundbreaking Strides in Accumulating Virtual Dust Bins Outpacing Slightly-Not-as-Dreary Grayscale Holdings

The never-ending saga of who can hold more worthless numbers on a computer: Grayscale or Blackrock? It's like watching two geriatric accountants compete to see who […]

Doug Martinez August 19, 2024

An illustration of a cornfield overflowing with golden coins amidst Bitcoin symbols sprouting from the earth like crops, surrounded by swirling clouds of tokens and gas fees in the background. A stylized BTCN token rises above the field as a yield-generating network hub connects various decentralized applications to unlock locked liquidity

Polychain Dumps $6.7 Million Into New Bitcoin Yield Network Because Apparently We’re All Just Missing Corn Now

In a move that screams "we're trying to make up for lost time in the crypto bear market," Polychain Capital has invested $6.7 million into a […]

Doug Martinez August 19, 2024

HTX Ventures Spends Entire Budget on Stuff Nobody Asked For, Still Calls It a Strategic Masterstroke

The never-ending parade of crypto bros touting their "strategic investments" and "blockchain innovation". Let's take a closer look at this half-baked report from HTX Ventures, shall […]

Doug Martinez August 19, 2024

An illustration of a sinking ship with moneybags floating away from it in all directions, while investors stand at the bow looking worried; nearby, a giant whale is swimming upwards out of the water, leaving behind a trail of coins that are being swept up by smaller fish representing market makers and analysts. In the background, a cityscape fades into darkness as interest rates rise on TradingView charts hovering above the scene like ghostly apparitions

Ether Price Plummeting Due to Totally Not a Coincidence That Massive $420 Million Was Suddenly Withdrawn From It by Investors Who Clearly Had Nothing Better to Do With Their Money

Linda Williams August 19, 2024

Vitalik Creates New Buzzphrase That Will Definitely Not End in Catastrophic Failure and Global Economic Collapse

The great Vitalik's latest intellectual endeavor: "defensive accelerationism" (d/acc). Because what the world really needs is another buzzword-laden concept from a cryptocurrency enthusiast with a penchant […]

Barry Thompson August 19, 2024

An illustration of a whale with an empty wallet and avocado toast on its plate being taken away from under its nose while another whale in the background holds onto a large stack of money bags looking satisfied. The scene takes place underwater near some Solana coins floating around, one coin has been caught by a fish that is swimming away holding it tight. In the distance there are several whales selling tokens on Coinbase and Binance exchanges with big red "Sold" signs above them while another whale buys Ethereum at OKX exchange with a green "Bought" sign over its head.

Solanas Whale Just Dumped $84 Million, Still Can’t Afford Avocado Toast on Coinbase

Oh boy, another day and more whales are dumping their Solana on us! You know what they say: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"... but […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

Ripple Wins Huge Victory Over Sec But Still Faces Crushing Reality Of Having To Pay A Fine That’s Only Marginally Less Embarrassing Than Losing

Ripple's chief legal officer Stuart Alderoty has been spouting off about how great their win was against the SEC. Newsflash: a $125 million fine is not […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a globe divided into two hemispheres by an axis labeled as "Tradition" on one side and "Innovation" on the other. The left hemisphere is filled with old-fashioned calculators, paper ledgers, and filing cabinets while the right hemisphere features futuristic skyscrapers, robots working at desks, and digital screens displaying financial data in real-time.

UAE And UK Team Up To Create The World’s Most Confusing Guidebook For Rich People Who Invested Too Much Money In Bitcoin

Oh boy, here we go again! Another bunch of accountants trying to make sense out of this crypto nonsense. The UAE is partnering with ICAEW (Institute […]

Linda Williams August 16, 2024

An illustration of a downward curve with decreasing tokens falling off it and disappearing into thin air. A few remaining tokens are stuck in place on top, while others float away as crvUSD coins rise up from below to catch them. The background is filled with small locked veCRV symbols that seem to be holding the platform together. In the distance a DAO building stands tall amidst greenery and vines indicating growth and sustainability. A faint image of Michael Egorov can be seen walking away in the far left corner, looking back at the scene with a smile on his face.

Curve Finance: Because Who Needs More CRV Tokens Anyway

So here we have another "exciting" update from cryptocurrency land. The people behind Curve Finance are celebrating because they've managed to reduce their token emissions for […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

Bitcoin and Ethereum Funds Suddenly Remember How to Do Their Jobs, Net Inflows Pour in Like Water From the Sky

Oh boy, it's time for another thrilling episode of "Crypto ETFs: Where The Money Flows (Or Not)". And what do we have today? A bunch of […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

SEC Gets PWND by Judge Over Ripple Case and Loses Big Time but Still Manages to Keep Their Job

Another day, another Ripple drama to satirize! Let's break it down: so there was this huge lawsuit where the SEC ( Securities and Exchange Commission) tried […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

US Bitcoin ETFs Soar With $192M Boost; Ethereum ETFs Record Modest Loss: Because What Could Possibly Go Wrong When You Give 200 Million Dollars to a Group of Unstable Cryptocurrency Enthusiasts

Oh boy, it's time for another thrilling update from the world of crypto! US Bitcoin ETFs have seen yet another massive influx of cash - $192 […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration of a cartoon piggy bank with its mouth wide open as it's being blown away by strong winds while holding onto several balloons labeled 'Bitcoin', 'ETF' and '$188 million'. The background is filled with falling coins. In the distance, an image of Morgan Stanley can be seen in flames surrounded by smoke. A faint outline of a calendar shows June 30th highlighted. At the bottom left corner, there's a small piggy bank lying on its side spilling out money while crying tears made from dollar signs.

Morgan Stanley Blows Entire 401k Fund on Bitcoin Trust Because Who Needs Retirement Anyway

The gullible idiots are at it again! Morgan Stanley has apparently decided that throwing a few hundred million dollars into BlackRock's Bitcoin Trust is a good […]

Sam Rogers August 16, 2024

Robinhood Rakes It in as Clueless Cryptocurrency Enthusiasts Send Money Down the Drain Like There’s No Tomorrow

Oh boy, here we go again! Another day, another bunch of numbers on a computer being touted as "revenue" by some overpriced brokerage firm. Robinhood is […]

Barry Thompson August 16, 2024

An illustration of two people running away from an explosion with flames rising behind them; one person holding onto a briefcase labeled "ETF" while the other is carrying a large sack marked "$". In the background, there's a cityscape with skyscrapers and buildings on fire. The sky above is darkened by smoke and ash clouds. A massive crater has formed in the ground where an explosion occurred earlier. Flames are licking at the edges of the crater as it smolders. To one side, two people stand watching from a distance; they're dressed in business attire but look worried.