Kevin Nelson

Cardano ADA Price Spikes Mysteriously for Reasons Nobody Can Explain and Everyone Should Invest Immediately

The price is up because some people think it's going up? Classic crypto bro reasoning here. You'd be surprised how well that works on gullible idiots […]

Kevin Nelson August 22, 2024

An illustration of a globe divided into two halves by the UAE border line with one half filled in red to represent instability while the other is green representing stability as Tether's new stablecoin pegged to AED flows from left to right through pipes connecting both sides, symbolizing economic balance and growth amidst currency fluctuations.

Tether Launches New Stablecoin That Won’t Single-Handedly Cause Another Global Economic Collapse Anytime Soon With UAE Partners

Crypto bros are at it again! They're always touting the next big thing in cryptocurrency - stablecoins pegged to whatever fiat currency is hot right now […]

Kevin Nelson August 22, 2024

An illustration of an artist holding a paintbrush over their shoulder as they stand in front of a large canvas with various shapes and colors splattered across it; behind them is a cityscape at sunset, while on either side are two giant screens displaying code lines scrolling rapidly upwards; below the artist's feet lies a small blockchain chain made up of tiny IP tokens. The entire scene glows softly as if illuminated by an inner light source.

Blockchain Startup Secures 80 Million Dollars and Suddenly Everyone’s an Expert on the Future of Decentralized Everything

Ahahahaha! Here we go again - another overhyped blockchain startup trying to make a buck off of naive investors who think that "Web3" is more than […]

Kevin Nelson August 22, 2024

BTC Plummets to Earthly Depths as Entire Market Unravels in Cataclysmic Collapse of Epic Proportions

The cryptocurrency market is a wild ride full of ups and downs that make your head spin! It's like trying to predict which way a cat […]

Kevin Nelson August 22, 2024

An illustration of a ghostly figure standing alone in an empty landscape with its back turned to the viewer while looking up towards the sky where it sees two other figures (one large, one small) walking away from each other but still together and visible on the horizon; below them is a faint outline of three different paths. The ground beneath the lone ghostly figure has cracks in it as if something had been broken or abandoned there for some time while nearby are scattered remnants of what could be seen as once vibrant flowers now wilted, faded and dying.

Cardano Abandoned by God: Left to Rot Alone While Tron Continues Its Meteoric Rise to World Domination

Cardano (ADA), once a darling among crypto enthusiasts, has lost its spot in the top 10 cryptocurrencies by market capitalization - what a shocker! It's not […]

Kevin Nelson August 20, 2024

An illustration: A downward arrow pierces a broken barometer with shattered glass and debris scattered around. The background is dark grey while in front of the broken instrument there's an orange glow representing hope or recovery as two small green lines start rising above the mess indicating that things might be turning for better, amidst this chaos a tiny figure stands holding onto something resembling a rope which seems to be pulling them upwards towards the light at the end. The overall mood is one of turmoil with hints of optimism in sight.

Ether Is a Total Loss at $2.6K Because It’s Clearly Doomed

It seems like crypto enthusiasts are having a field day trying to predict when Ether will stop plummeting. According to some experts, we're in the 'late […]

Kevin Nelson August 20, 2024

An illustration of a judge's gavel lying broken at the base of a staircase with 9 steps leading up to it, while one step is highlighted in red and marked by an arrow pointing upwards; above the stairs, two opposing figures stand facing each other: on the left side stands a confident figure holding a briefcase labeled "SEC", looking down towards the gavel, while on the right side stands another figure with arms crossed and eyes cast downwards

Crypto Bro Billionaire Predicts 90% Chance of Winning at Dice Game Against Actual Regulators

The crypto bros are at it again, spewing their trademarked brand of ignorance and hubris about cryptocurrency law. This time, they're gloating over a court ruling […]

Kevin Nelson August 19, 2024

Cryptocurrency Community Abuzz With Excitement as Another Token Gets Added to a Blockchain That Will Probably Just Get Hacked Anyway

Because I'm sure you're all on the edge of your seats waiting for more news about cryptocurrency's never-ending parade of self-serving announcements, let me tell you […]

Kevin Nelson August 19, 2024

An illustration of two cartoon figures standing back-to-back at opposite ends of a seesaw, with one figure holding a gold bar and wearing a suit labeled "Gold", while the other holds a bitcoin symbol and wears a t-shirt reading "BTC". The background features an upward-trending stock market graph

Crypto Bros Unleash Frenzied Predictions After Brief Momentary Increase in Gold Prices Causes Sudden Onset of Collective Amnesia Regarding Previous 10 Years of Market Performance

The eternal optimism of crypto bros never ceases to amuse me. Fred Krueger and Jack Mallers spewing forth their latest hot takes about gold's bull run […]

Kevin Nelson August 19, 2024

You Just Won’t Believe the Jaw-Dropping Price Swings of These 10 Utterly Meaningless Digital Tokens That Are Literally Worth Less Than a Sack of Potatoes

The thrill of watching a bunch of rich guys bet their money on digital tokens with no intrinsic value never gets old! It's like watching a […]

Kevin Nelson August 19, 2024

Tron Network Dominates Stablecoin Market Share Because Clearly We All Need More Ways to Lose Money Fast

The never-ending parade of Tron's "success" continues, and by success I mean a bunch of numbers on a computer that are being used to perpetuate yet […]

Kevin Nelson August 19, 2024

An illustration of a whale with an empty wallet and avocado toast on its plate being taken away from under its nose while another whale in the background holds onto a large stack of money bags looking satisfied. The scene takes place underwater near some Solana coins floating around, one coin has been caught by a fish that is swimming away holding it tight. In the distance there are several whales selling tokens on Coinbase and Binance exchanges with big red "Sold" signs above them while another whale buys Ethereum at OKX exchange with a green "Bought" sign over its head.

Solanas Whale Just Dumped $84 Million, Still Can’t Afford Avocado Toast on Coinbase

Oh boy, another day and more whales are dumping their Solana on us! You know what they say: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"... but […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration: A large-scale image showing an abstract representation of regulatory uncertainty with unclear rules floating above it like clouds; in contrast, below these clouds lies a clear pathway representing clarity and order. The cloudy area is filled with various obstacles such as hurdles, pitfalls, and question marks that are being navigated by figures resembling digital asset companies or investors who appear uncertain about their next steps due to the lack of defined regulations.

Coinbase Just Realized the SEC Actually Knows What It’s Doing With Digital Assets

You want to know about cryptocurrency? Well let me tell you something it's just numbers on a computer created from nothing! It has no inherent value. […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

Ripple Wins Huge Victory Over Sec But Still Faces Crushing Reality Of Having To Pay A Fine That’s Only Marginally Less Embarrassing Than Losing

Ripple's chief legal officer Stuart Alderoty has been spouting off about how great their win was against the SEC. Newsflash: a $125 million fine is not […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of an empty wallet with dollar signs falling out as it sinks into quicksand below; nearby, a large hole is visible where more money has been sucked down; above, several other wallets float on the surface but appear to be losing air and slowly descending. In the background, two figures in suits are shown arguing over which one of them should have invested their clients' funds in Bitcoin ETFs instead of actual profits. The scene takes place at sunset with a faint orange glow illuminating everything except for the dark hole below where all the money has disappeared.

Bitcoin ETFs: Because Who Needs Actual Profits When You Can Have a Nice Big Hole in Your Wallet That Just Keeps Getting Deeper and Bigger

The eternal optimism surrounding US bitcoin ETFs continues unabated! Because what's not to be optimistic about? The fact that these funds have lost an eye-watering $18.3 […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of an empty dance floor with two chairs at its center; one chair has a name tag reading 'ETHTEH' while the other is labeled as 'My Aunt'; both chairs have Jell-O shots on their tables and are surrounded by scattered party decorations. The walls behind them feature faded graffiti that reads "Party's Over" in bold letters, with broken balloons hanging from above; at floor level a trail of spilled drinks leads out into darkness. In the background, an abandoned DJ booth stands silent amidst discarded music equipment.

ETHTEH Is Down Like My Aunt at the Family Reunion After One Too Many Jell-O Shots

The crypto bros can't catch a break! It seems like Grayscale's ETHE has hemorrhaged $2 billion in just 9 trading days - that's some impressive bleeding […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of an abandoned factory with broken windows and overgrown vegetation in front of a cityscape at sunset; a large tree grows out of the rooftop where birds are nesting; smoke rises from the chimney as if there is still activity inside, but it's unclear what that might be. In contrast to the decaying structure on one side, sleek skyscrapers stand tall and modern across the street with people walking by in suits or business attire, seemingly unaware of the factory’s presence. The sky above transitions into a deep orange hue as night begins to fall;

ZKX Shutdown: Because Who Needs Transparency When You Have Three Million Tokens Waiting to Be Sold

It seems like another day in crypto land where something utterly predictable happens and people are shocked - SHOCKED! - that it did so. ZKX shutting […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration: A cartoon crypto trading and lending platform (Abra) with an alarm clock ringing in front of it. The platform is shown as crumbling down into pieces while a red "Collapse Imminent" sign appears above the scene, amidst falling coins and dollar signs. In the background, people are running away from the collapsing structure, looking worried or panicked. A few investors can be seen holding their heads in despair, surrounded by scattered papers with numbers on them. The atmosphere is chaotic and tense, conveying a sense of urgency and warning to withdraw funds immediately.

Abra’s Collapse Imminent Because You Clearly Should Have Known Better

Oh boy, another crypto scam bites the dust. Who's surprised? Not me! I mean come on folks, it was only a matter of time before these […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024

An illustration of an ascending graph with green bars representing growth, surrounded by dollar signs and coins floating upwards; at the top left corner is a globe with a rising line connecting it to the chart below; on the right side there's a building in the background that resembles a financial institution. In front of this structure are several people from different ethnicities holding briefcases or laptops while walking towards the graph, conveying movement and growth. The overall atmosphere is one of optimism and expansion.

$110M Added to Tokenised Treasuries Because Who Doesn’t Want a Piece of the Action and Also It’s Not Like They’re Just Printing More Money or Anything

The tokenized Treasury market has seen some growth since July 9th. $110 million added over five weeks isn't exactly setting records for crypto's usual "get rich […]

Kevin Nelson August 16, 2024