Doug "NFT Nightmare" Martinez

An illustration: A cartoon figure with a defeated expression stands on top of a pile of broken blocks, surrounded by empty game boxes and discarded tokens; another character is shown walking away from the scene holding a Steam-like platform sign in one hand while looking back at the destroyed landscape. The background features a cityscape that resembles Web2 gaming hubs but now lies abandoned due to the decline of NFTs and blockchain games. A faint image of Donald Trump can be seen on a billboard, with Kanpai Pandas characters scattered around it;

Web3 Gaming Suffers Existential Crisis After Learning One More Web2 Company Failed

You know what's immutable? The fact that Immutable shut down its marketplace, because let's be real, it was a total failure. Who needs an NFT marketplace […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

Crypto News

Matter Labs Loses Bid for Zk Trademark Because Nobody Actually Cares About Zero-Knowledge Proofs

The eternal farce that is cryptocurrency continues, with another developer getting burned because they thought they could trademark something in a space where everyone knows it's […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of an oversized hand holding out a giant check to someone standing on top of a mountain range with skyscrapers and trees below them; the person is surrounded by dollar signs that are rising up like balloons. The mountains in the background have cracks spreading through them, while at their base lies a pit filled with broken coffee cups and discarded food wrappers. In contrast, the foreground has lush greenery growing out of cracked earth as if new life was sprouting from it;

Bitcoin

New CEO of Major Corporation to Get Paid More Than Entire Nations in Order

Well isn't this just peachy? The new CEO of Starbucks is going to get paid an absolute fortune for doing... well, not much it seems. Brian […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of a smiling Senator Chuck Schumer holding hands with Vice President Kamala Harris and Senators Kristen Gillibrand and Debbie Stabenow, all standing together in front of an American flag waving high above them as they walk towards the rising sun on top of a hill covered by dollar bills. In their other hand each is holding one end of a rope that connects to a large anchor symbolizing stability with cryptocurrency coins floating around it. The background has subtle waves and ripples, suggesting movement forward into an uncertain but hopeful future.

Altcoins

Bipartisan Crypto Legislation Imminent 2024 Will Be the Year Your Grandma Loses Her Life Savings

The crypto bros are at it again! They think they can just wave their hands and make the laws of economics go away. Meanwhile, Senator Chuck […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of a cartoon bear wearing glasses holding an "I Hate Regulation" sign while standing next to a broken clock with chains wrapped around it; another bear is shown trying to break free from the chains but being held back by a large hand. In the background, there are scattered papers and books labeled as laws and regulations, some torn apart or on fire. The atmosphere of the scene suggests chaos and frustration. A small group of bears in the distance can be seen running away with their hands up in surrender.

Crypto News

Coinbase Just Realized It’s Getting Played by Crypto Bros and Now They Want Everyone to Know How Much They Hate Regulation

It seems like Coinbase has finally woken up from its slumber long enough to realize that it's being used as a pawn by the crypto bros […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

Altcoins

BRICS Creates New Digital Payment Platform That Will Inevitably Fail to Compete With the Existing Ones and Everyone Will Just Go Back to Using Their Credit Cards Anyway

It looks like the BRICS are trying their hand at creating yet another cryptocurrency that will inevitably fail miserably. Because what could possibly go wrong with […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration: A miner wearing a black hoodie with a red "R" emblem holding a large sack full of dirty laundry while running away from an approaching Russian police officer carrying a briefcase labeled 'Regulation' and another one chasing him with a megaphone. In the background, there's a cityscape at sunset with Bitcoin symbols scattered around buildings. The miner is surrounded by coins and money laundering signs are visible on his sack. He has a guilty look on his face while running away from the law enforcement officers who seem to be closing in on him.

Crypto News

Russian Crypto Miners Caught Red-Handed Laundering Their Dirty Laundry

Russian crypto miners are finally getting their act together - or at least trying to. A new bill regulating the industry has been approved by the […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of a person holding an empty wallet with money pouring out from it into two large buckets labeled 'IBIT' and 'GBTC', while other smaller buckets nearby remain untouched. In the background, there is a cityscape at sunset with people walking away in different directions as if fleeing something. The sky above has dark clouds gathering. A faint image of a bitcoin symbol can be seen on one side of the illustration near the person's hand holding the wallet. At the bottom left corner, two large coins are shown falling from an unseen force into the buckets labeled 'IBIT' and 'GBTC'.

Bitcoin

Bitcoin ETFs Still Somehow Manage to Attract Suckers With $31.16M Inflows on Thursday

I guess some people still think that throwing money at a bunch of computer code is going to make them rich, huh? I mean, come on […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of two hands shaking with one hand holding an old-fashioned key while the other holds a futuristic-looking lock that has broken into pieces revealing XRP tokens inside, set against a background of Japanese cherry blossoms and cityscapes. A subtle ripple effect is visible in the foreground as if water was disturbed by something beneath its surface. In the distance, people are shown walking towards each other under blooming trees with some holding NFTs or smartphones displaying Web3-related content.

Crypto News

Ripple Labs Inc Still Not Bankrupt After Another Partnership With Some Japanese Firm That Nobody’s Ever Heard Of

Oh boy, another partnership between some Japanese firm that nobody's ever heard of and Ripple Labs Inc., because what could possibly go wrong with that? SBI […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration depicting an old-fashioned clockwork mechanism with gears jammed together as steam escapes through broken pipes; nearby lies discarded coal amidst scattered papers on which various Russian symbols are scribbled, while a faint image of a cryptocurrency mining rig can be seen in the background covered by dust and cobwebs. In contrast to this scene, there is an isolated section where modern computer hardware components glow softly under dim light as they seem to operate smoothly despite being disconnected from their surroundings;

Crypto News

Russia’s Quest for Regulatory Sanity Ends in Catastrophic Failure Due to Idiotic Banning of Crypto Mining

The eternal quest for Russian lawmakers to regulate something they clearly don’t understand – this time it’s cryptocurrency mining! Who needs clear rules when you can […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of a judge's gavel striking down an image of a red "X" over a cryptic Ponzi scheme pyramid with people falling off its sides and landing safely in their own wallets amidst rising cryptocurrency symbols, all set against a backdrop of Indian law books. A green checkmark rises from the base of the pyramid into the air as it crumbles. The scene is filled with ascending arrows indicating growth and stability. In the foreground, an image of India's national emblem appears on top of a stack of coins representing legal clarity amidst rising cryptocurrency symbols.

Crypto News

India Finally Decides Not to Be Totalitarian Regime and Allows People to Make Their Own Financial Choices, Shocking Nobody

So another High Court in India has decided to join the ranks of those who think cryptocurrency isn't a scam for idiots and criminals (or at […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

Bitcoin

Bitcoin ETFs Erupt Into 100 Billion Dollar Bubble of Pure Fictitious Wealth

Cryptocurrency: because who needs real wealth when you can have fake numbers printed out by computers? It's not like we've learned anything from history about tulip […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration of an adult standing at the entrance of a wild party with arms crossed while looking sternly inside; people dancing wildly out of control in the background; one person is shown crashing to the ground. The adult's foot is raised as if about to step into the room, but hesitates mid-air. In contrast, another illustration shows an empty space next to it where a child would be expected, with only darkness and shadows present. A faint image of a parent or guardian can be seen in the distance watching over from afar through a window.

Bitcoin

SEC Stamps Its Foot Down on Crypto Industry’s Wild Party Demands Everyone Just Let Them Get Drunk and Crash Without Any Adult Supervision

The Digital Chamber (TDC) thinks that cryptocurrency should be free from regulation? Give me a break! They're just another group of apologists for the crypto bros […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

An illustration: A large globe with a cracked surface in the background; In front of it is an image of a coin (stablecoin) being dropped into a slot labeled as "cross-border payment". The stablecoin has broken through several barriers and obstacles on its way down, symbolizing Russia's move to regulate them. On top of the globe are three flags: Russian flag with a green checkmark; US dollar sign in red color indicating volatility; Chinese flag representing China which is already using Tether’s USDT for payments.

Bitcoin

Russia Crashes Entire Global Economy With One Bold Move: Stablecoin Regulation Is Now Upon Us

The Russians are at it again! They're trying to make stablecoins cool by using them for cross-border settlements. Because what could possibly go wrong with a […]

Doug Martinez August 16, 2024

Crypto News

Web 3 Gaming Revolution – Because What Gamers Really Need Is More Overpriced NFT Bullshit

Well, well. The future of Web 3 gaming is here – or at least that's what these crypto bros want you to think! They're peddling their […]

Doug Martinez August 15, 2024

Altcoins

Ripple CEO Suddenly Discovers Politics Is Boring

The Ripple CEO thinks he's some kind of hero because he wants bipartisan cooperation on crypto, but let me tell you something - the only thing […]

Doug Martinez August 15, 2024

An illustration: A wizard stands in front of an imposing castle with gates wide open; he holds up his hands to shield himself from falling debris. The walls are cracked but still standing, while rubble lies scattered at their base. In one corner a large stone is inscribed 'SEC' and another has the words 'Consensys'. On top of the wall stands a figure holding an axe with sparks flying off it; in its other hand there's a scroll unrolling as if being pulled by some unseen force, revealing lines that resemble code or runes.

Crypto News

Consensys Demands Court Declares Software Interfaces Are Magical and Beyond the Grasp of Mere Mortal Regulators

The crypto bros are at it again! This time Consensys is challenging the SEC in court because they think their precious Metamask software interface shouldn't be […]

Doug Martinez August 15, 2024

Crypto News

Dapper Labs Wins Lawsuit Because of Course They Did You Were Always Going to Lose That Bet on NFTs

Ha! You won't believe it. Dapper Labs has managed to secure a favorable settlement in their lawsuit with Friel vs. Dapper Labs. This means that NBA […]

Doug Martinez August 15, 2024

An illustration of a rocket ship blasting off into space with flames shooting out from behind it; at the top left corner is an image of a rising stock market graph; on the right side are two images: one showing money flowing in, represented by arrows pointing upwards and coins pouring down, while another shows 40% marked as being locked away. The rocket ship has 'Ethereum' written across its body with flames forming into dollar signs at their tips. In space above it is an image of a rising sun symbolizing growth;

Crypto News

Ethereum Is About to Skyrocket Because of Some Magic Paper That a Bunch of Rich Guys Said Might Be Useful

Let's talk about something truly absurd - people actually believing a cryptocurrency can reach $5,000 because of some fancy-pants financial product. I mean seriously, we're not […]

Doug Martinez August 15, 2024

An illustration of an out-of-control rollercoaster with its cars flying off track as it careens through a dark tunnel labeled 'Market Volatility', while above ground other rollercoasters representing various cryptocurrencies spin wildly and crash into each other amidst flames. In the background, a cityscape burns in ruins. A lone figure stands at the edge of the cliff overlooking this chaos, arms outstretched but unable to stop it as they watch their money disappear down below. The sky is filled with falling coins and shattered glass shards.

Crypto News

Cryptocurrency Bro’s Wild Ride: Because Nothing Says Financial Stability Like Betting on Thin Air and Watching Your Money Disappear

It's been another thrilling day for crypto bros as they frantically try to find meaning in their investment choices! US ETH ETFs drew $48.73M on Monday […]

Doug Martinez August 15, 2024

Crypto News

Winklevoss Brothers Demand You Join Their Desperate Cry for Help Before They All Get Wiped Out

The Winklevoss brothers are at it again with their non-stop attempts to make the crypto industry mainstream and gain some respectability for this clearly scammy business […]

Doug Martinez August 15, 2024

Doug Martinez

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