Hacked Cryptocurrencies Forever Stuck in Vortex of Eternal Pricelessness
The crypto bros are at it again! They can't even secure their own little toys. It's like they expect us all to just sit back and […]
Doug Martinez
MEV Bots: Because Who Needs Human Intelligence When You Can Just Steal From DeFi Protocols and Call It a Day
The never-ending saga of crypto scams continues! It seems like just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, another MEV bot […]
State Street Thinks You’ll Fall for Its Tokenized Assets Scam So Hard It Just Rolled Out a Whole New Division
Here we go again with another attempt by traditional finance to get in on the crypto gravy train. State Street is trying its hand at "digital […]
ETF Investors Discover It Takes 5 Whole Days for Funds to Abandon Sinking Ship
The crypto-love is strong this week! It seems like everyone and their grandma has decided that Ethereum ETFs are a great way to lose money - […]
VanEcks Never Ending Quest to Make You Lose Money in a Solana ETF Continues Unabated
Just when you thought it was safe to get back into cryptocurrency, VanEck comes along and reminds us all that Solana is still a thing. Because […]
Ethereum DApp Volumes Implode Into Black Hole of Irrelevance – Is Everyone Still Holding Onto Their ETH?
The world of crypto is one big rollercoaster ride full of ups and downs. And when I say down, I mean it literally - because who […]
Lower Interest Rates Will Definitely Not Cause a Global Economic Meltdown This Time I Promise
The eternal optimist HashKey Capital CEO is at it again! Citing the potential for DeFi summer 2.0 because interest rates might drop (yay!) is a classic […]
EigenDA Promises to Save You a Whopping 90% on Your Data Storage Costs… Said No One Ever
Let me tell you something about this "EigenDA" nonsense. It's just another cryptocurrency trying to make a name for itself by promising ridiculously high savings on […]
Solana Memecoin Trading Volume Crashes by a Whopping 80%, but Somehow We’re Still Stuck in This Never-Ending Cycle of Hype and Disappointment, Because Who Needs Actual Fundamentals When You Have FOMO
The Solana-based Memecoin madness is finally starting to die down as volumes plummet by 80% in the last two weeks! It's been a wild ride, but […]
Fabric the Crypto Chip Startup Raises 33 Million Dollars So You Can Finally Decrypt Your Grandma’s Emails on Time
The crypto bros are at it again - this time with some new chip that's supposed to magically speed up cryptographic workloads and improve data privacy. […]
Tether Mints Another Billion Dollars, Because Who Needs Economic Responsibility When You Can Just Magically Create More Money on the Internet and Call It Stable?
August has been quite a month for Tether's minting machine - it seems like every week they're churning out another billion USDT tokens on some obscure […]
The Web3 Firm So Bad Google Had to Give It Money
The latest Web3 nonsense from Google's Cloud Startup Program: because what we really need is another overhyped AI firm that promises moonshot returns but delivers nothing […]
Dubai Court Suddenly Realizes Crypto Isn’t Actually Made of Unicorn Tears and Decides It Can Be Used for Normal Things Like Paying People
It's about time Dubai caught up with the rest of us who think cryptocurrency is a scam! Who needs to be paid in crypto when it’s […]
Binance: The Crypto Savior China Can’t Live Without, Literally
It seems like Binance is a real lifeboat for Chinese crypto enthusiasts! With over 96% of them using the exchange and almost two-thirds keeping their main […]
Ava Labs CEO Loses Mind After Learning His Account Was Hacked by Someone Who Clearly Has More Crypto Than Him
It's not like we haven't seen it before - another cryptocurrency bro gets his Twitter (X) account hijacked and used for some dodgy pump-and-dump scheme. This […]
Get Ready for Another Insane Crypto Bubble Because Apparently Low Interest Rates Will Make Everyone Suddenly Care About Decentralized Finance Again
The eternal optimism of crypto bros never ceases to amuse me! Lower interest rates could be the key to DeFi summer? Please, it's just a recipe […]
Crypto Bro Abandons Burning NFT Ship for Job Making Virtual Stuff at Facebook Because That Sounds Less Stressful
The great exodus continues! Another crypto bro flees the sinking ship of NFTs for the slightly less doomed waters of Silicon Valley. Jeff Nicholas, former creative […]
VCs Discover ‘Revolutionary’ New Way to Waste Billions on Layer 2 Solutions That Will Probably Just Get Hacked Anyway
The cryptocurrency industry's favorite game: "Let's pretend we're not all just speculating on a bunch of worthless tokens!" This time around, it seems like VC firms […]
NYSE, Nasdaq Succumb to Existential Dread, Withdraw 3 More Requests for Crypto ETF Options Rule Changes Because Clearly They Were Never Going to Get It Together Anyway
The great crypto dance continues! It's like a never-ending episode of "Swan Lake" out there, with exchanges and regulators twirling around each other in a delicate […]
Ethereum Investors Left Reeling After Breathtaking 26% Price Drop Because Apparently You Cant Just Print More Money and Expect Everyone to Keep Buying Your Shiny New Toy
The great Ethereum ETF experiment has officially ended with a whimper, not a bang. It's like watching a friend invest all their savings into Beanie Babies […]
Eric Trump Unveils Groundbreaking Crypto Venture That Will Definitely Not Be Another Totally Predictable Failure of a Get-Rich-Quick Scheme
The Trump brothers' latest get-rich-quick scheme has finally been revealed: "digital real estate" crypto venture that's going to disrupt the financial world (yawn). Because what we […]
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